ALIVE

It's over, isn't it?

2008-03-28T01:31:00.001-07:00

I guess it's really over..

I am indecisive, fickle and so unstable. The usual? Lols. Looking at him.. but seeing nothing. Scared of having false hopes and empty dreams already. And this time, I guess it's really over. Sighs. For once now, I'm really sure nothing can change how we are now anyway.

Dreams of being together, and reliving those precious and awesome times.. just fades away eventually. Because.. I can never live that way anymore. It's just really gone. I look at the girl I used to be. And I wonder how ever did things end up like this. I'm losing grip and losing touch. All I ever wanted is just.. to be with him.. sighss.

For once, I'm giving up because I know this can never be anymore. It's just gone. It's empty everytime I look at his face. Wanting the best for myself.. but also thinking about how we really are now. And reminding myself that it was all before. And knowing that chances are dead slim. Trying to poof my feelings away. And just forget, forget, just forget.. about him.

Keep telling myself to forget. Thats all I do now. Because every too often, I remember everything. And oh .. how my heart wish so hard. But it's not going to change a thing or bring it all back. I remember the way we touch. And the times we kissed. The times we laughed and the moments.. where I felt so magical. Like I was literally.. in heaven. Just like my feet is swept up every minute. And remembering how I would look like if anyone just shine a mirror at me.. a really happy girl who could never be any luckier. And how I would cry every day and night.. just hoping so badly for a better day.. that only he'll come back to me again.

Will I ever find someone like him? I really doubt so.

Sighs.. I'm suffering inside. Having a real battle within myself. And sometimes all I wanna really do is to forget.. but at times too, all I really wanna do is keep thinking of him forever.

I let go of him. Yes. But I can't seem to forget him or stop missing him.

Oh please please, if only anyone can tell me what I should do?

I still love you =(

2008-03-24T01:31:00.001-07:00

I feel like a great turmoil ready to crash myself any moment. I'm falling apart =((

And this time, it's really hard.

First of all, my freaking shit up family. I'm sorry to say this.. but I really don't like my dad AT ALL sometimes. I know I'm wrong to say this.. and he pays for my everything but wth! He gets angry like ALL the time. Shit mann. And it's really getting me into a moment of breakdown already. I REALLY can't take it anymore. And you know what, my life can never be okay and harmonious.. cos it's always happening. It's my main cause of my distress. And I get so darn stressed and afraid about it. Why do I have to live in fear? Do I deserve this??

I hate going home sometimes. Sometimes, I just wish I could get away.. like so far away. And at times, I really feel like I hate my life. This feeling is succumbing me.. and the worst part is my painful feeling of pity for my mum. She is my pillar of strength. So why does it always have to be her to be the victim of all the troubles? I hate it soo much! And I wish I could help her. But I'm so helpless. And I can't take it too. Sometimes.. I really feel like dying. Seriously..

I dunno why but everything is just going down. Im finding difficulties of finding hope for a new day.

I'm losing myself. And one day, I think I will seriously go crazy.

I can't take all this stupid shit anymore.

And I made up my mind.. to really study hard. I'm afraid. If one day I am forced to face with a situation without any help, money or support. Who am I then? Like I said before, I don't wanna rely on anyone. And though I hate to say this.. I gotta be prepared for even the worst.

If I was mistreated since young, why would't it be possible if dad really leaves us?

I seriously hate all of this shit. It is really really NOT necessary. I dunno why everytime he has to bring up such big problems. I seriously wanna say goodbye to bad tempers, the crashing of plates and sharp objects, the screams and shouts of anger and the unforgiving face of the man who calls himself my father.

I deserve to live. And to be free. And I am shit darn sure that.. I really don't deserve all this shit.

That is my freakin ughh problem right now.. and I think it will never end wth.

Another one is a bittersweet thing. I still love him. Gosh. And I wish I could tell him and he will understand for once. And I'm sure that if I can have him as mine again, I would never settle for anyone else. Because all I want is him. And if I ever have that chance again, I will hold him so tight and never let him go.. ever .. anymore. Because everytime I see him, somehow I know he is the one for me. And to look at him sometimes, brings back the moments I most treasure in my life.

But hey, I will never tell him how I feel. At least, not after what he said to me.. and how he didn't want me anymore. How would I even have the strength left? It hurts like crap. That's why it already brings great joy and satisfaction to me.. just to see him. And to hear his voice. And to see him smile. And the best of all, to remember like it was so dam real.. how we were once upon nmy best ever dream =)

confessions of a dead heart XD

2008-03-19T02:32:00.000-07:00

Haha! It's amazing how I still can log in here to say a few things, at least =D

It's really been ages since I dropped by here.. the place where I used to pour out everything. The sadness and the drama. Haha.

Honestly..

I feel like a crazy wave crashing the ocean. I am unstable, lost and perfectly disorientated. I am a MESS. Haha seriously. I know I tend to get a grip of it somehow after a few days.. but that doesn't mean I'm completely resistant to all this pain and heartbreak. To be exact, I can't take it anymore. And, I so darn blardy hate this feeling. All because, it is killing me. It's making my eyes tear every now and then again. It's making me die down inside, and particularly.. breaking me deep down.

For one, do you know why I'm so freakin sad now? I'm more than just sad.. I'm practically depressed...

I HATE losing to some girl. Always. I hate losing and coming in second place all the time. And this is happening too much ady. Wth lar seriously. And... you know whats worse? Liam doesn't like me anymore. I don't care if it is just a little bit or a whole lot. I don't care because it doesn't matter anymore. The point is.. he still chooses her over me. So, in either way.. I still lose. Gah.. I hate this mann! I'm so stupid. I feel like dying.. sighs.

I guess I overestimated myself. I thought I could make him fall for me.. and make him forget about her. I thought I could be someone special enough.. to be really prioritised. But, he still chooses her.. he chose her. And I was really confident he can leave her behind.. just like how I did when I started liking him. I totally let go of Tim.. even before it all started. I just never thought I could want to be with someone so much after that. But it happened with Liam. And I seriously didn't mean for anything in return. I just really wanted to let him know. But why ever did I get carried away? I begin to forget what I used to stand for, and fall head over heels over him. Shifting from loving single life to .. really wanna be with Liam. At times, I really do get soooo carried away.

But, right now.. I realise I don't even stand a chance. I should just give it up. There really isn't any hope in it anymore. Seriously, who am I kidding?

Cos it really doesn't matter where, when or how long.. if he chooses her now, he'll choose her anytime. Even if I wait for him.. and keep putting hopes in this, he will never get over her if he still can't now. And for me, I don't believe in .. being afraid as the reason to not be together. That is bullshit. That's because the only reason why he won't be with you.. is cos he doesn't really want to after all. A guy who is afraid but really wants to be with you.. will take chances and risks no matter what. And even if he knows he will hurt you, he just can't stand not being with you. In other words, the BIG problem will come in secondary to his feelings for the girl. So, which one is stronger? The problem or how he feels?

You know whats actually really going on? Truth is.. he doesn't wanna be with me because he really still loves her.

And you know what, he doesn't have to tell me or stutter all day long just to think of words to say.. so that he will not hurt me. He doesn't have to shout it out and he can hide all he wants but, I can still figure it out. I know. I can hear it in his voice.. the faint laughter. The way he just avoids saying I miss you. And the moments where he can only remain speechless when it comes to me. There's always a .. guess , maybe or nex time for me. There is never once a sure answer. He shakes and loses ground the moment I talk about her. And he can even change his mind after what I said. If he really really likes me, he will stand strong and not fall into feelings for her again. Imagine if just a mere talk about her, he's already so unstable.. what about when he sees her?

Isn't it so obvious that when it comes to me.. he has nothing to say? That's just simply cos he has nothing for me. Accept it lar, michelle. Thats the harsh truth.

Probably I was just a glint of hope for him. One second of feelings for me. I am nothing more than that. Compared to what she is to him. And if he even has the guts to reject me and shatter my hopes, it just means he'll never get over her anytime soon. Because somehow, he still chooses to think of her, to love her and to miss her. The point is.. he's not wanting me enough. He still wants her. It just all goes to show that.. I can never replace her and even more, I failed in making him just to think of me and completely forget about her.

It all comes down to.. I'm just not good enough for him.

Once again, who am I kidding right? He doesn't have to explain anything anymore. It's very clear now that I got the whole situation figured out. Right in my fingertips. And to be honest, I just don't wanna hear anything anymore. I don't want him to convince me and give me false hopes.. that I'm still in his heart and he misses me, thinks of me sometimes etc etc. Maybe cos.. I am really DONE with it all. I just had enough lar okay..

Stop leading me on.

Heh, I guess I should just remain best friends with him. Cos I very well know.. me and him = can never be. I just don't want to be led on anymore. And to cry endlessly. To fall deep down, to crash and to shatter into millions of pieces a gazillion times. Do you know that everytime when he says sorry.. I really die deep down inside. My heart is fragile too. And sometimes, too much is really the limit that I can take already. Like for now, me actually taking a chance on him and wanting so much to be with him.. is already a great sign that I'm doing a lot and advancing. And not forgetting that, I was shit dam blardy torned to pieces not too long ago, by the guy that I really love, Tim.

I did a lot for Liam lar. Ultimately, I gave him my heart =)

Okay.. I guess I will be okay :)
I don't need a guy to depend on anyway.. I just realised that I can be who I am and.. be proud of myself =D

I am independent and it just goes to show that.. I can do so much more on my own. I just need to be strong. Be strong, michelle. Sometimes, it doesn't take happy endings to keep you on your toes. Sometimes, you just gotta be a better person ;) and understand your boundless capabilities and the world bursting with loads of other possibilities =)

And as for Liam , I will just lay low till I am not so bothered in my mind anymore. Right now, my mind is a perfect example of a severe complication. I just wanna let my mind be freeeeeee to think about other things for the meantime. To distract me and to give myself time and space to focus on more important things. I just wanna be alone ;)

I love sebastian =)

2007-11-03T00:55:00.000-07:00

November 2nd 2oo7 ~this day was my best day ever. I was seriously damn happy. The boy that I really like and really adore all this while.. feels the same. And I realise I don't have anything more to feel sad about.. I am indeed a very lucky gurl already =).

I love the way he smiles. I love the way he cares about me. I love the way he asks me out.. and for him, I would only sacrifice my time for :D.

Though some things just can't be, some events and memories just can't be erased.. we would always remember in our hearts that every feeling was a damn real thing.

* He seriously rocks my world, I heart him. And I would do anything for him :)

ishh

2007-10-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

" Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game"

Hah! that's my NEW life motto!! xDD

My mum is pestering me to watch a scary Pontianak movie with her. Ommgg! I had my share of scary movies and I can hardly tahan anymore of those. So soorry. I went to my grandma's house today. And I'm such a sucker for Disney original movies =D

Was soooo hooked on Wendy Wu: Homecoming Warrior. Haha.. she's soo bubbly!! And that Shen guy is quite cute =) and darn funny too. Laughed dead hysterically with my sister. Nahhh. I am seriously the kind who can laugh easily. It is never hard to get me into endless fits of laughter . Some say I am just a very happy person. Hehehe *laughs again*

Busy busy busy. I really have no time nowadays. Smsing every now and then. Going here and there. Boooks!! Here I come *jumps into a pile of books*

Do you know?

2007-10-10T01:22:00.000-07:00

the cutiess =DD aka my cuzzins .. hoho.

studying while feeling greeeeeen =D

the view from up above.. ooo.

suiteee! aka sweeeet =p.

cosssyy =)

The tears stay,

keep running down my face..

When you are not here with me.

emoooooo

2007-10-08T00:12:00.000-07:00

Goshh.. ahhh I deleted my whole earlier post!! Grrrrrrrr. My bk teacher called a while ago. She just hit me into realization. And now I seeee..

Making things simple.. I know I could do so much better.

When do you ever take me seriously? Do I have to go all over the world and shoot a gigantic banner in front of you to speak how I feel inside?? Can you just give me some response? I feel like giving up. Or have I already given up? Nothing I say even matters anyway. I am so stupid!

" Everything I have doesn't mean a thing without you.. "

: I wish I didn't feel that way =(

Do you remember?

Say goodbye cause I can't wait forever.

Say hello to goodbyes and forgotten memories.

They are eating me up and I don't have any strength left..

to say I love you.

yeaaah!!

2007-09-28T02:38:00.000-07:00

*during Merdeka 2006

OOOO .. What is this? I never knew I had this picture! Hahahahaha.

I miss old times. Yup! And I miss old acquaintances so much. Ahhhh.

Can you believe it? I am saying it now.. I just don't wanna be in love anymore!

After everything that I have been through, and even now.. there's even more reasons why I am hurt.

Every single word I hear, every single laughter would just fade away in time.

As I mentioned, I just can't be who I am anymore. No more funn, 100% cheery me now. That part of me is hidden, shattered by a million memories that made me go crazy living without.

I am tired of hoping for something.. and seeing nothing. Why am I hoping? Why am I even believing in love?

Because I am so fed up. For someone that doesn't even appreciate friendships, let me just be forgotten. Been so broken to start anything anymore..

Let's just hope I get through my last year alive. I just wanna be happy =(

If there was hope, make me the happiest gurl alive . Cause at this time, happiness is all that really matters :)

But I do have a new crush! OMG.. yesterday I talked to him for the 1st time.

The sight of him makes me smile =D, and at this moment.. he's every thought that keeps me holding on.

blur yet adorable.. I just love to hear him say hello. I can never get enough of him.

Tell me, will I get the chance to see him again? =)

*secret

In case you've been wondering, yup. My blog is facing some probs xD. Just drop me a line anywhere else instead for the meantime. Hahaha

And friends! You guys are the best thing that I look forward to. I love you guys!

*No matter what the world says, we know who we are. Lets count the stars and tell them how beautiful they are.

Lets forget , let go and be free tonight.

*oh so beautiful.

I miss Denise Leom the crazy gurl! =)

Good luck for PMR! xoxo.

She's going out to forget they were together,
All the memories that cannot be relived,
Every word he said without thinking how much it hurts,

I just don't wanna get hurt anymore.

=)

2007-09-24T04:33:00.000-07:00

Weren't we perfect?

I pray a simple prayer every night.. and I ask God why. If we were so perfect, why did it fall apart? And I had a simple picture in my mind. The picture portrayed : if things went so smoothly for us, will we ever learn from our mistakes? The best things are the ones achieved after such great hardships and trials. Probably I could learn something from this.

Maybe one day, we will know what really belongs to us =)

Starbucks Coffee mooncakes!

Can it get any better? =p

Hahah. I know what is going on. I know what people have been saying behind my back. I am not stupid.

But I choose to stay strong :). So nope.. say whatever you want, it will never bring me down. HAH.

If you don't know me, don't simply crapp. Don't you know you're just playing with fire?

Just love me for me. I shall keep all of this short and simple =D

My closest confidante, my best friend and my intimate lover.. just faded away.

Within a blink of an eye.

whoosh

2007-09-12T00:22:00.000-07:00

I love you.

A memory ago, I begged you to stay.

Everyone knew why I did that. It was clear to see that I ultimately love you. And I hate to see you go.. I have never meant for it to be this way. Only God knows how sorry I am. I have so much more love to offer you. So much more to give you to make up for every absurd thing and every crazy way I have treated you. I was ready. Ready with open arms to shower you this time, with all the love I feel for you.. and how I would tell you I'm sorry every single day, if that is what it takes :)

But everytime I tell you how I feel about you, you brush me aside. It's like ignorance is bliss to you. When I told you I really need you by my side, you said you will never give me a chance. Or give us a chance. I hoped, I put my optimism on high. I held on.

But when you try to break me even more.. as you sent obvious hints that got across to me like lightning, I was oblivious to the pain I feel inside because I was so used to it. You think I am stupid for not being able to give you up. You think I am immature because I can't accept reality. And worst of all, you think I am a piece of shit that you just don't wanna care about anymore.

And I totally had enough when you did your best to shoo me away completely,

you went for her.

what am I here for? You don't even appreciate me. You don't even see what I am doing. All you notice is how I have wronged you.. but remain oblivious to what I am doing to make things better. You say everything that I do now, I break it more. You blame me for things I did not even say. Didn't you ever thought that all along, you could be misunderstanding me??

yeaah im pissed. I'm so done through. Because in the end, it doesn't even matter.

You don't even give me a chance to speak. To explain. To give me some respect and allow me some space to express my thoughts and feelings.

I have lost all my strength to resist the pain and fight for you. You didn't even fight for me in the first place. After everything is said and done, I am the one who is left behind. Heck yeaah.

You may be even talking bad about me.. thinking I am such a loser for not getting over it. At least I have a heart.. not to give up what I love so easily.

Have you had enough? You got what you wanted now. Your dream girl. Your dream life. That just goes to show how useless my efforts were. They meant nothing to you. So what am I here for?

And heck yeaah, I don't wanna talk to you ever again. As if you haven't thrashed me enough.

Till year 2007 is over, you will never see me again after that. Aren't you happy? At least when I'm gone, you know you don't ever need me.

*Note : this is a personal rant for those who care and understand enough to read.

Love all of you who appreciate my efforts enough to lend me a listening ear :)

byeee

2007-09-03T00:14:00.000-07:00

Song : Five Minutes to Midnight by Boys Like Girls.

I hate him.

She makes mistakes.

She tries to make up for it.

She gives him space.

It's not her fault now.

She tried her best.

Nuff said.

p/s : I'm gonna stop blogging due to personal reasons =) .

Some days, I open my eyes and ask myself..

Is this really you?

You are not even true.

Thanks for hurting me and never care.

emo alright

2007-08-23T05:46:00.000-07:00

I got a column in the photo album as Puan Maizan's farewell pressie! But there is so much to do lar. Have to put in your picture and write a message for her. Hmmph.

Got into Melissa's house yesterday which was Wednesday. Soo nice and big. Fuyoh!

I'm quite busy these days. Got so much work to do.

Mind boggler:

Could you be with her or was it just a lie?

I'm crazy over The Simpsons now! They make my day anytime :D

Yeaah so what if I have this phobia towards GUYS?

I am not a lesbo anyway.
I just wanna be with him, forever.. if that is possible. But he doesn't want to. Or rather, he CAN'T anymore.

Lets jus say his love wasn't meant for me.. cos now, it's being sold to someone else.

Secretly, abruptly.. in a blink of an eye, he just faded away..

I wish.. he jus could.. I just wish my baby would come back to me. It's already close to school ending.

And if I don't get him back by the 31st of december, let's just say I will erase him from my memory completely cos he erased me from his mind 1st.

Talk about happy memories and promises. pfft.

Tell me, what does a girl do when she has tried everything she could but she still knows it is meant to be?

There's no point being the only one wanting.. the only one knowing..

cos it takes two hands to clap.

I guess she would just have to deal with the fact that he will never see it that way.

Is he blind or am i stupid? You decide.

What am I leaving when I am done here?

When my time comes,

Forget the wrong that I've done.

Help me leave behind some.. reasons to be missed.

Don't resent me.

When you're feeling empty,

Keep me in your memory.

Leave out all the rest.

awesommee

2007-08-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

Today I attended a seminar. BK seminar in kay-elle.

So at approx eight pm, Trevor's mum fetched me together with Eric, Michael and Johnny. Then, we changed car for bigger space xD. All the songs on the radio was imitated by Johnny. I love his voice! When we reached there, the seminar was already packed with people.

Thank gosh Sheena and Arnold reserved a place for me and Elaine :)

But Elaine came even later, so when she, mousey (En Lin) and Ferns came.. they were sitting right in front. Listening to the boring speaker. All the speakers were okay. The third one was fierce mann and lively.

The last one of all had a contagious laugh. And I couldn't stop laughing everytime she laughs! I kept laughing and laughing. Everyone just stared at me and laughed with me. Haha.

At first, I was REALLY paying attention. Then slowly, as each breaktime passes.. I started to get restless. Luckily Christina sat beside me.. I just chat chat and chat away. And I had my fair share of laughter with Eric behind me who was forever obsessed with none other than... fooooood!! Hahaha. Anyone should see his face when he sees a packet of Oreo or a lollipop. His eyes will light up like a kid =D. And he's always looking forward to break time.. LOL.

Trevor on the other hand was always throwing eraser bits at me.. and pretending to sleep when I turn around and look xD. Johnny was sick throughout the seminar. The poor boy had flu and couldn't breathe. So, he went home in the afternoon. Sharmaine was there too in the seminar. During lunch break, all four of us ( Christina, Sharmaine, Sheena and me) walked out and actually went into Swiss Garden hotel. To what? Use the toilet there xD. Seriously, hotel toilets are worth going. They are clean, posh and not disgusting. Then, camwhore away! Lol. After that, we went back to the church.

Eric was so silly.. he went out to buy soome 'snacks' with Michael. He didn't look.. and simply took. Guess what flavour he took? Seaweed plus wasabi flavour. kantoi habis.

Here's the BEST part. After the seminar, all of us which are me, Eric, Trevor and Michael decided to take the LRT back home. So we went walking all over KL. And eventually got lost! xD. We wanted to take the LRT but some random taxi driver said, to find it..

mesti pergi situ.. lepas tu sana.. dalam dalam lagi *.

Eventually, we got blur and gave up. So, we had another alternative : take a taxi and get to KL Sentral. And the Chinaman requested rm 5 each!! But eventually, we had no choice. So we were taxi-fied and indeed.. it was far. Luckily we took the cab!

At KL Sentral, I chatted awaay with Michael and had so much laughter and fuun. I love that place. Just that there were a lot of Malays around everywhere lar xD. We stood the whole time.. in the train. I was staring at Michael and talkin to him.. wondering why his eyes are just so huge LOL.

When we reached, Eric went to Parade to buy a super expensive pressie for Lindley's birthday! OMG.. imagine if it was his girlfriend? I think he would get her a whole house xD.

I saw all these shops with sales so Michael followed me to What Women Want.. carrying my books and waiting for me while I went window shopping. Hahaha. He also told me that was exactly what Ade and Lisa would do everytime. Come on.. girls love shopping! <3 otherwise ="p

Later, all four of us met up.. and then went to eat at mcDs. And omg.. Michael eats a LOT. He just walloped a whole Big Mac, a vanilla sundae and another beefburger. And then, he said he was gonna go back home and EAT somemore. I was struck dumbfoundedly xD. Eric loves McFlurry with M&Ms. I love the ones with Oreo!!

Later, and finally.. Eric's dad came to pick us up. At that time, we bumped into Mark Ian.

And omg... he was bald!! Whyyyy? Why do guys like to even go bald? Hahaha.

One thing for sure, I don't like bald guys xD. But it was always nice to see old friends again, fer sure ;)

I love you guys, seriously!!!

To Sheena and Arnold, who laughed and supported my every idea that each speaker looked like a cartoon character and laughed with me.

To Christina, I love talking to you so so so so so much.

To Trevor and Eric, thank you so much.

To Michael, haaha.. I now know how great a friend you are =).

To Sharmaine who brought back my hyperness, I can always click with you in any season.

And last but not least, to a certain gangster and mouse.. I am glad to see you guys today.

Thanks for saying I look tall for once today LOL.

Though I know it was all glory to my high heels. Love ya buddies to bits <3

I had an awesome day.

Can we pals just stay together?

crying..

2007-08-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

I cried today just like every other day. Since he was gone. And even more when I found out about NS.

I cry when I realise he is not here with me.

I cry everytime I look at mangoes.

I cry a lot during rainy days.

I cry when some new guy comes along to replace someone irreplaceable.

I cry when I see that I don't trust any promises and swears at all.

I cry when I wish I could walk home..

I cry when I realize love has gone so fast and easily.

I cry when everything I do doesn't matter or mean anything at all to him.

But most of all : I cry because I try so hard to forget him but I just can't.

I am so fed up with myself trying to get him off my mind.

When will this crying ever stop? It has been 34 days now.

Why am I so difficult? I just wish I could really lose my memory.

I dont wanna cry. I don't wanna remember and know it's just no use.

I really love you.

I love you.

2007-08-09T02:33:00.000-07:00

Listening to: The Ping Pong song lalalalala ~ =pp

SPM is so close.

I am real scared! Enough of all my laziness and procrastination.

Not to mention, all the distractions.

Shooo!

Only bother me after SPM.

I really need to stay focused.

I'm getting side off tracked. I can imagine how I would be if I fail to achieve my dreams.

I don't want to risk anything.

I currently am drooling over Charlie Simpson. He is really hot.

Be prepared!! This is really going to be a LOVE-y post.

*The greatest thing of all is to love and be loved in return.*

from the movie Moulin Rouge.

Da verdict:

On the other note, I still love him xD. I know I am stupid.

But I can't let go. I just can't forget him.. sorry.

I tried.

If it takes everything to keep him happy, then may he pursue what he wants.

I am not stopping.

I am not causing anymore drama.

After all, when you really love someone, you would love to see them happy right? So go ahead =)

Cause I get so down when you are not around. Big time.. I miss you.

I will take my chances this time.

It is one risk that's gonna be worth it because it took me this far.

And I am still feeling it .. everyday.

Wherever I am and no matter how far I run away, I always find myself coming back.

I might be wrong.

I might fall down even worse.

Why spend time on something already gone? Good question.

But I have got a better answer. I still believe in second chances.

Like I said, I might be wrong.

But I am not afraid to be wrong.

Circumstances can come in my way. They can break me anytime. I'm willing to be broken than to lie to myself.

I really know what I want this time.

Don't tell me everything I have gone through was meant to be forgotten.

Those who know me would know how meaningful every moment was till forever doesn't even feel impossible.

Just tell me I'm dancing on air, floating in heaven and flying over every cloud..

because that is exactly how he makes me feel <3.

Let's start over.

Let's just forget our reasons and arguments.

None of those should matter anymore because:

I just wanna be with you <3

There's nothing else I want more.

I can assure one hundred percent that I am not dreaming nor putting fantasy filled thoughts in my head.

I am not insane.

Yess.. but I do admit I am stupid and probably naive for what I am doing. Yes yes. and it's gonna squeeze more pain into my already bleeding heart.

But hey.. I have just a few months more to go. My year is gonna end.

I might not be able to tell him how I feel anymore. Not to mention, I shouldn't have let him go.

I didn't mean to at all.

If I had never been ~~separated~~, I would never have known this.

Everything that happened made me realise :

I really am crazily, madly, deeply in love with you.. after all.

I have never stopped wishing you were here with me =)

If there is anything I need to say to you . it is three simple words :

I. love. you.

Enough said. I am not gonna take you for granted anymore.

And, I don't want anyone else either. No no no. He's just not you.

only time will tell us if we're gonna make it,

there's no way to be sure.

stupid people don't have lives

2007-08-07T01:04:00.000-07:00

~~She is just so overrated~~ . And she is not worth it to argue with. Stop being so nice to me.. when you bitch about me behind my back.

I stayed back after school because the prefect board asked us to.

I thought the teachers wanted to lecture us xD.

As I walked in, my eyes met a table with loads of food, drinks, cakeee. And very little party decoration!

Every prefect was already there. The Form Fours have prepared this small "party" for us. thanks guys!! Nicholson, Arnold and Han Yang were making a lot of noise about when we could start eating. LOL.

Thanks Wei Hsien for taking me drinks as a retirement present. Next, Pn Teo and Pn Yong said a few touching words. They said: retired or not, you will be prefects always.

Thanks for the surprise, juniors.. =)

I got a deer cup. Some got cats and cappucino =D.

Halfway through the eating, everyone went up to the stage to sing Jo Ann's song. And then suddenly, Yi Koon took all my plates from me and pulled me up to the stage xD. We all sang to Michael Buble's Everything. We were all emo-fied. On a fine note, Su Ann started dancing on stage with a few other hyper people. The cheese cake was so yummy!

These are people I would cherish for life.

Best part was.. it was raining! And Tang Wei Ling and I went siao.

We kept laughing and laughing about Kancil and trishaws. Hahahaha. Long story. That stupid silly girl. She kept laughing at my jokes. She couldn't stop. She made me start laughing too. I didn't know I could be that funny xD. A toast to you who made me laugh so so much ;)

Ong, Justin and Koh Kwun : Hey, what happened to them?

*continued and increased laughter*

Ong: I dunno. Let's share the joy!

HAHAHA.

Her grandma is adorable.. nyehhee. She drove me home while driving into all the wrong ways. Isn't it cool to have a grandma who still can actually drive? =)

The day has been not so bad. Today was Prefect Retirement Day. That was the sad part.. because I always loved being a part of that great big "family".

me : congrats on just being elected head prefect! *hypers*

nickolai : you too! Congrats on your retirement!

me: Hahahahaha. *smile fades into silence*

That just goes to show how not used to it to this word called retirement. Sighh.

Oh yaa.. and today is one of my really ho heng tai's burfday! xoxo.

Happy birthday Walter! *throws confetti everywhere*

Hope you like my present. May all your wishes come true. Thanks for the red egg!

It turned my fingers red xD

who are you now?
let your true colours show.

I say goodbye to all our memories. i wish I never knew you.

2007-08-05T23:22:00.000-07:00

Hey! I am back to blogging business. I feel so relieved. I feel so happy.. and glad I finally know who you really are.

I hate you.

I've always wondered why I cry.. and I knew why. I knew you were hell more than worth it.

I knew those tears that left my face, are tears that genuinely won't come to waste.

But right now, I see everything so clearly.. like a lightning bolt which has just struck me dead. After these past few weeks, the emotional breakdown I was having really had an effect on me. I have been having countless of sleepless nights, stares into complete space and a constant wish I could change the way the world goes round.

I remember singing "Can't Take My Eyes Off of You" in the concert with Denise, Riley, Afifah, Shu Ying and Allisha.

I remember singing my heart out at those moments.

There were so many people in the crowd but my eyes only fixated on one person.

He was the reason of this song.. and the only person I was dedicating it to. I still sing till today.

I sing of him. Of us. Of everything that ever meant so much to me. More than anything else in this world.

Everything flashes back. I recall Cordon Bleu... Primeval... the number 4... Shrek 3... ice-skating... Your Call (my favourite)... wo de ruo mi o xD... the word : ich liebe dich.

I also remember Valentine's Day, Adrian's burfday party and a great one in the usj 4 padang.

To those who bear witnesses on this auspicious day were people line dancing, kids futsal-ling, old folks jogging and two school dropouts =p .

But the best of all was the truth, the sincerity and everlasting love.

On a certain day (3 am):

I woke up screaming. I couldn't breathe. I just needed him so much.

I now understood that I can't live without him.

He is my everything. I couldn't stop crying. My hands were shaking.

Wishing he would just listen to me. Kept reminding myself that he would not leave.

He promised forever and every single word and whisper.. I held them close to my heart.

I believed every single I love yous. He has always been here.. and this time, he won't go.

I know he won't. I will be his only one.

I repeated that sentence until I fell sound asleep.

Am I kidding myself? He did. He left. At my most sorry moment. He left. To go for someone else.

I died. All those promises were lies. He has never lived up to that.

You can get mad , get angry.

But not keeping to your words showed clearly practically.. everything.

It still boils down to the fact of how stupid I am for believing 100%.

I thought he was different.

I finally let my guard down and I felt so good being able to trust again.

As I sat here thinking for weeks, pouring out every single emotion and weaving those sad feelings into a song.. I was just preparing myself for what is to come.

I know this day would come.

It should be known that at one point, I was wrong to butt into something that wasn't even my own business.

I still care so much. I was still holding on.

Today, on this 6th of August '07, I officially let go of you.

You proved me wrong to think you were different.

Every little thing that you ever told me.. feels like you say it all the same to everyone else.

I am no different to you either.

I was all along a faint and forgettable memory in your heart.. which is just for experience.

You have never loved me too.

If you did, you wouldn't have done what you did today.. no matter how bad it hurts.

I don't wanna put false hopes into myself anymore.

As for me, no one has even the slightest clue of how darn serious I am in you.

And how deadly sorry I have been in the past few weeks.

I tried to talk to you. I tried to tell you the truth.

I love Valentine's Day 2007.

I love roller coasters and chocolate covered cherries.

I love rainy days and mushy moments.

But nothing could beat you.

I loved you more than anyone and anything.

Goodbye to all our memories.

Preciously : a ring, a jewellery box, my fave Winnie The Pooh book, my out of this world Valentine card, a pair of awesome earrings, SMK SU family day tic, a football jersey and my most beloved heart shaped photoframe.

How I wish I never knew you. If only I knew from the start that I would mean nothing to you.. in the end.

You love her. But she could never love you as much as I do.

Goodbye.

2007-08-04T02:50:00.000-07:00

She insisted on taking a picture. So of course, being the nice one, I gave in.
She has a new skin and a fresh new tagboard.
So all the immature "wars" should just stop.
It's pathetic, to be honest. Don't you people have lives?
And come on, fighting over the internet just shows how much guts you really do have in reality.

by the guest blogger, Adelina.

ps: no offense intended. stop feeling slighted so easily, 'aight? ;)

That was Ade. This is me blogging. hahaha.

Cheerios! :D

i hate it..everything is so sucky

2007-07-17T01:31:00.000-07:00

I am dead. I am numb. I don't feel anything at all.. this has been going on for quite some time. I think this is my last time I am gonna smile with genuine happiness. Everything I do is all fake. My smiles are only covering all my pain inside. I stare into space.. I am really numb.

I try and try and try soo hard not to think about him but, I still do. I will wonder where he is. I will wonder what is he doing now. Out of my subconcious mind, I naturally think about him. In school, I act even more.. I force myself to look at him and tell myself that I don't love him. When he blows me off even more every single day, I should move on from there. He talks about hot gurls.. getting a new girlfriend.. playing flirtatiously around. And there I try to not to listen and watch.. feeling painful deep down inside. Every single moment in that room when I feel he doesn't even know I exist.. in those moments, I feel like I don't exist too. I miss him and I love him.. knowing I would just be hated and pushed away even more if I let my feelings show.

I wanna avoid him. Just so I could love him without having the need to ignore the feeling =)

All he ever tells me is to get him off my mind. That is like torture.

I never knew looking at someone.. could feel so painful and mesmerizing at the same time.

I lost myself. I really did. Cos I am really not myself at all now. That smiley, confident, giggly, sociable gurl is dying away. All for a guy I know I love. But is it worth it? He doesn't even care. Why can't I stop caring for him? WHHHYY?

when it all falls apart..

2007-07-09T03:42:00.000-07:00

I love him to bits.

Whhy am I so stupid? This is the stupidest thing I've done in my whole life. And I've never felt this painful.. since the time when I got chased out from my house by my dad xD

Baby, please come back to me =( I am sorry..

Is anyone else in this world as stupid as me? Cause if there is, I need to know from them how to wiggle myself out of this mess.

Guess.. " you would never realise what you're missing until it is really gone"

How can I forgive myself? Only happy memories, reconcilation and warm arms around me can help now. I'm dead. And I'm such a mess. I just need him so much right now *cries*

May all my hopes and dreams lead me back to you.. I'll never let this happen again.

we are meant to be =)

a memory...

2007-06-20T01:11:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted. Drained to the very bone.

Yess yess.. I haven't updated for a decade xD. Now, I just came home from school with my shirt stained with red chilli sauce (thanks to a girl who violently shook the chilli bottle and splashed everywhere ><) = this is what you get when u duty near the FOOD section =/

Haha! And just rehearsed which I waited in school from 1.30 to 3.30 pm. I thought it was gonna end at 3! Seriously, it was draggeeeedd. Riley had to go home before it was even our turn. Loll.. when I went up and sang or (screamed) my main part of vocal, I felt like some mad girl expressing her love <3 xD. The secret is to sing while thinking of HIM. And everything will fall back naturally =)). Have i said that I loved him yet today?

I did have a great time in Tiff's party last Friday.. it was awessomme! And I took some pics too :

Look! It's a treee!! ooooo woooww. xD.. we never see tree before.

and here is denisee! =)

jia huey and miss may shing! They're scared and abandoned in some dark place x)

I'll post more when I'm free =p. I hope the song goes perfect tomorow! Heeehee.. and thanks Denise =)
See ya peeps! Love your lives as much as I do yeaah ! =D

When ordinary becomes extraordinary

2007-06-08T12:40:00.000-07:00

Some people just really piss me off. Some unknown people just comment on my Friendster like that. It's so annoying!

Today I'm in Ade's house. We're both very tired today.. but I just refuse to sleep. Can you just hear the silence? That's right! Ade's already asleep.. she has to wake up early tomoro. And so do i.

Tomorow is gonna be a long day =). For one thing I love, when I am going out without having to worry much. I'm a lil annoyed over past crushes by the people I love. I don't know.. I have something against them. After this chat, I felt like a substitute. I know I am not.. I know I have more than I ever wanted. I know everything is just perfect now if I just accept it. He is just so awesome for me <3.

It was such a long time ago since I went ice skating. Waaay back in Year 6. And heyy.. here I am again, actually lining up for entry with the only one that i love. Hey! It's a miracle I even plan to ever skate anymore. It was just like a dream and I cannot forget. Something made me feel so alive again.. the hand I feel gives me confidence in every ounce of step I take. Without it, I totally lose everything.

The smile on his face gave me the most beautiful feeling in the world. The hands that held me tight were spelling: I'm always there for you. And with every glance that I make to catch a beautiful glimpse of him was a moment I just can't believe. Haha.. and there I was.. feeling heaven on ice! I don't think I ever felt that kind of rush before, I don't think anything in this world has ever yet made me feel that way. Every single swoosh I made on ice took my breath away.. with the only one who took my fears away from the very 1st day I vowed not to skate anymore.

I think I'm in love :)

I can't wait for the next day! Tomorrow.. that is. Hahaha. It's four am and I'm still awake. I'm coming adeeeeee!! *hops onto bed* zzzzzz =)

2007-05-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

After such a rough time, it's all finally over. But the results?

Deep down, i have this BAD feeling. Like, I'm not satisfied with how I did my papers. How I screwed up. And I know, when I get them all back.. it'll be my worst nightmare.

Not only that, it's everything. Am I really ever doing the right thing? I hate these 3 simple words ~ " we shud discuss ". There's nothing I wanna discuss about this whole thing.. I don't want this thing to end. Not even a single part of it. Everything about me is in this whole thing. It's the one thing I care about the most right now.. don't change a thing pls. That's why I hate getting bad results. I hate to see things end.

When I stay awake in the middle of night, who was there to accompany me? When I feel like there's no way out, you just appear and take my hand. Every single moment.. you have been right there. There's gonna be no one else that could ever carry me and my thoughts away like you do.

So don't leave or ever go.

Have a new question these days ~

What do true friends mean? I never really knew whether I ever had a true friend.

The world is so vague. No one ever really know what is real or true anymore.

But love just feels so real. I know>there's always someone there to love for me <3 and someone out there to love me all the same :]

Don't mind the emoness of this post =p

2007-05-10T06:49:00.000-07:00

Hahaha.. Jan Vy posted something really funny and I couldn't help but post it xDD

1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.

3. A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds : “Wife wanted“. Next day,he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : “You can have mine.

“4. When a man opens the door of his carfor his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It’s easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel,you can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from somekidnappers. The letter said, “If youdon’t promise to send us $100,000 Iswear that we will kidnap your wife.”The poor man wrote back, ” I am afraidI can’t keep my promise but I hope youwill keep yours.

7. “What’s the matter, you look depressed.” “I’m having trouble with my wife.” “What happened?” “She said she wasn’t going to speak to me for 30 days.” “But that ought to make you happy.” “It did, but today is the lastday.”

8. When she is 18 - She is a football,22 men going after her. When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 - She is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

9. At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give. At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious. At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy. At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year. At 60 -He is just like a raisin, dried out,wrinkles and cheap.

10. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

The question he shoot at me has hit me right to my senses. That will definitely change the way I think. It is very true indeed that you should know someone really well in order to love them. The feeling is terrible not knowing what you ought to know. This will definitely be on my resolutions list ! And it is... to get to know someone a little better =)

I really really wish I could know him better. There's this shell of me that someone has just cracked ~ spilling out all my insecurities and curing them one by one. No one has ever done that for me before! Too afraid to touch those sensitive feelings, I throw them aside and just insist to forget about them. I guess I gave up knowing someone better and at a sincerely deeper level a long time ago, I was hurt before. Very hurt. By close acquaitances and friends I thought I knew so much. By the people I truly love the most. I just don't wanna get too close for comfort. It has hurt before. Maybe this time, I will definitely view things differently.

Is it really God sending me a guardian angel to come crack open all my fears? This is more than I've ever wanted =)

Thank you so much! <3

My life is so busy now ughh.

2007-05-03T01:23:00.001-07:00

Hieee!

It's been a long time since I ranted. First of all, I am the kind of person who can't keep secrets anymore. Well, I used to be the top secret keeper. I would tell noone.. I'm serious! Right now, I just say too much.. talk too much.. people have changed sighs. And I'm sorry for not keeping to my word. I hate to make you mad.. but if you choose to be mad at me for the rest of the year or probably your whole life, then so be it. I am guilty as charged..

I finally recovered from high fever.. yayy! Weeeeeeeee... and I'm okay already. Maybe going to school today and seeing everyone made me feel better.. hehehe. Do not blame the outing to Ikano Power Centre on Tuesday because that wasn't the cause of my illness. Probably it's cause of missing someone too much. He has been away for three days now.. count in Saturday and Sunday = 5 days without him. I really, really, really can't wait to see him tomorow! Today was really not bad too. When there's Qi Hong, Shereena and some certain dumb boy =p, the fun never really ends =))

Thanks to the gurls for giving me a great day out on Monday. Had fun on that trampoline and laughing and talking about Chinese songs and funny silly things! Nice knowing all the new friends they brought. They were so cute and tiny :)) thanks thanks. Thanks so much! My holiday has not been a studying one. And to be honest, I am getting hysterical about the upcoming exams!!! I'm so scared until I can't study xDDD... lmao.

OH yeaaa.. I just MIGHT get to join DigiCelebriteen. Ahhh! I'm counting on Jonathan Gordon. Nahh.. I'll just call him Johnny =D, thanks thanks thanks!! We're not competing against each other, just experiencing something with each other =pp. Just pray I won't get screwed by my parents... sighhs. I'm so psyched!

Last but not least, I know I am short.. okay. I don't wanna look back into my life and only remember people teasing me about my height.. ishhh. Werts wrong with short girls??? At least I'm not the size of a dwarf or some mini bite-sized figurine! So since you and I know it already.. let's just keep it to ourselves, shall we? Unless someone is really uncomfortable of me being short, which I would never find a good reason why it would affect someone so much.. *blank stare* xD

My favourite movie in the world <3

We kissed. We loved. I have never felt so right before.

2007-04-23T03:49:00.000-07:00

What could be better than this?

This past Saturday, I'm so glad I went to 1 U! Do you know how long have I NOT been there? It' s been years since I stepped into that already enhanced shopping mall. And woah. So many shops there already. I went in first to Guess and then, Playboy. I already felt like fainting when I stepped into those shops. One tank top for RM140? Omg. I just tried a top and immediately left the shop. Like no, thank you.

Evryone was into the hype of the whole fashion show in the main stage. Those modelling women and men (decided to make it more formal) xD.. were gorgeous. The clothes were super duper hot! The runway was brightened and beautified with lights of different colours while photographers and gaga-ing audiences snapped and stared in awe. Haha.. in everyone's minds, I can assume they're all wow-ing inside.

Being a model is really awesome. I can imagine myself cat-walking and falling off the runway! xD.

At three, we all decided to leave for Parade for my music class.. and I just know Good Charlotte was gonna be there!!! It was pouring heavily with rain and I was sooo late for my class. When I entered, the aura was like.. so strong. I could feel the heat of the crowd lol. I was so tempted to go down there and queue with those screaming people down there just for GC'S autograph! But after my music class, I managed to do so =).

I was empty handed. Completely nada. Evryone was holding GC's album.. hmm. So I asked a new friend i made there :) her name's Sophia! uber nice and friendly =p. I had to go and actually buy their album before they can sign.. sighs. They forgot to give my t-shirt! Stupid noobies. Or is it they ran out of stock? Whatever it is.. I still didn't get it anyway. I stood there for about an hour or so.. just staring at Joel. He's soo cute! xD. And finally *shrieks*.. I got to go up stage! Though I'm not the craziest fan of GC, I so wanted to get their autographs. hey.. who wouldn't want to? met a lot of familiar faces and friends.

Benji: hey! how are u doing? me: *smiles sheepishly* hey! Im doing great!

omggg. and the rest.. I acted super shy. So I'd rather not tell haha. Riley and Wan Yee were there.. and so was crazie Ade and screaming Adrianna! They're super excited whhhey lol. And I ended up fetching Dexter home. Hehh.. thanks Guan Sheng for spending me McD's sweet corn. Haha. To be honest, McD's is just not the place for sweet corns. I can't even taste or smell any butter! =/

And this is the post for Saturday.

Today : Monday. School was okay.. it's just that I hate last minute cancellations. The whole club thingi after school was cancelled and it was oh-so-frustrating. And I had no food to look forward to when I came home. Mum didn't keep lunch for me, assuming I would be staying back. Sighsss. Thanks mouse for the ride with Steph home xD.

But, it payed off in the end. Something so extraordinary and wonderful happened. Too personal to spill the beans. Let's just say I was in love. Rain made me feel more mushy. And love was right there beside me =)

I will never ever in my whole life forget this full of awesomeness day <3

I just wanna belong.. in your arms forever. All of you!!

2007-04-18T01:35:00.000-07:00

It started raining when I came home. And so happened, I was expecting someone to come over to my humble abode today. Oh well.. guess the rain stopped all my plans.

Today, I choose to post something totally random. Bah.

I hate lonely afternoons. I hate my parents nagging. I hate being at home. I hate a day without phone calls.

I hate humid rooms. I hate dark areas and corners. I hate being told to be someone I'm not.

I hate terribly hot weather. I hate the thunder. I hate disruptions. I hate being by myself.

I hate awkward silences. I hate routine. I hate boring days. I hate to pretend. I hate spiders.

I hate being unknown. I hate discomfort. I hate eating rice. I hate staying at one place for a long time.

I hate hiding. I hate being alone. I hate feeling stupid. I hate not being able to get answers.

I hate being ignored and unresponded to. I hate break ups and saying goodbye.

I hate the fact time passes so fast. I hate sleeping by accident.

I love chocolate covered cherries. I love being in love. I love roller coasters. I love upbeat songs.

I love singing my heart out. I love secrets. I love spicy and exotic food. I love picnics and random days out.

I love emo-ness. I love drawing hearts and smiley faces. I love seeing people smile and the sound of laughter.

I love netball A lot. I love midnights and chilly mornings. I love wide circles of friends. I love music.

I love groups and cooperative peers working together. I love travelling and waking up early.

I love adventures and thrills. I love talking for hours.

I love party invitations and random surprises.

I love going out and sleeping past midnight. I love soft whispers and lots of connection.

I love my relatives in foreign countries. I love imported chocolates. I love dancing soo so much.

I love sunsets and sleepovers. I love concerts and crazy nights out. I love Cecilia Ahern's books.

I love extreme hyper-ness. I love belonging and being a part of something.

I love comedies, romantic dramas and reality shows.

I love just being with the people I enjoy being with and the ones I love.

Okay! I'm done ranting =p. And the rain has stopped! Yay.

Thanks Tim for hearing me out when I'm always feeling down. Thanks for all the times I just wanna cry and needed to hear your voice... and for the reason of just being there. it and you mean so so much to me =)

Words are never enough to express sometimes.

What happens when you're still in love but time rips you apart?

2007-04-11T02:09:00.000-07:00

Mood : emo-ey and totally in cloud nine.

Song: Your Call by Secondhand Serenade (to all the ppl who dislike this song, blueek to you =p)

Hey!! Lovess <3

Just tell me when was the last time I cried over a song? I promised myself a long time ago that I'll stop crying over something like that. It shows I'm vulnerable. It is kind of childish too. And that was me being in standard six. The secret I'm willing to share is.. that I only cry over a song when I'm in love.

Today, I feel like a kid all over again. Crying over a love song for a perfect reason =).. just like how I was as happy go lucky as I was a few years back. Look deeper ~ you will see there's much more that I'm feeling in the present. Things are not so simple anymore. Sometimes, I wish I had that kinda life still. The gosh-I-couldn't-care-less attitude and just be crazyyy.. like really really insane. I may be crazy now but not as crazy. Just what could've happened? It may be because we must take more responsibilities as we grow older. How i wish I never grew. I just wanna stay young forever xD

Many a times, I feel lost deep down inside.. no direction. It's like a blind person walking around without his walking stick. Just walking.. not a single direction in mind. I miss them so much. All the times we just stayed in the car till 3am, laughing our asses off from movies to love to whackyness.. all the times we just mixed and mingled and whispered our secret wishes into each other's ears.. the times we were so crazy over uber cool concerts, going backstage and laughing as loud as we can ever laugh. The times when we would cry on each other's shoulders when the world is so cruel. The times I run to her when I feel like disappearing. The times when I felt nothing would ever matter.. but just staying happy like that forever <3

Best friends are definitely worth cherishing. Who is your best friend today? =)

Don't ever take them for granted. You might never find a friend like that in the whole of your lifetime ever. She has still remained as the bestest best friend in the whole wide world! And since then, there's no one that I have met who could make me look at friendship the way she did =) <3.>Thanks gurl for making me look back and smile again.. for all those memories.. for all those laughter that never went dry. She is one of a kind. No one can compare.

Stupid latih tubis!! It was difficult xD. I just didn't wanna open those books and I terlalu tired yesterday. I wanna get playing tennis and squash soon. Bahhh! I noe i noe xD. This doesn't sound like me. Pinch mee!! Hahaa.

I love winter boy..more than my home =)

2007-04-09T00:32:00.000-07:00

Home is where the heart is <3

I can't imagine how life is soo bad now. I wish I wasn't at home. I wish I could just disappear or be invisible... I wish I don't have to face them anymore.

When it rains, I would just look outside my window and wish the rain were my tears.. soaking the world and creating some commotion so that I can just get away. I just wish things were a fade and I could escape to another dimension.. where there is nothing but sunshine, bunnies xD, butterflies and pretty stars. Not to mention, lots of shopping malls and cinemas =p. And all my loved ones.. you know who you are =)

But hey, I don't know how to pretend I'm okay when I'm not. Because I just can't take it anymore. I know why they have just lost so much trust in me.. I just couldn't stand being trapped up in an empty cage. But can't trust be regained? Isn't there such thing as forgiveness? Forget all the lies, sorrow, disappointment. Forget all the ways we've wronged each other and just start over. Is it so hard?

To be honest, I just wanna be happy for once again. I'm so tired of sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep. I'm so tired of cleaning up every mess, and then create more all over again. I'm so tired of hearing nothing but yakkity- yaks of scoldings. I'm done with it all. I just wish it'll all end right now. Cause I can't seem to take it anymore.

Get all the paws awaay from mua blog =p

2007-04-03T01:25:00.000-07:00

Hey! Original and self-assured blog.. this is mine. Haha.. been sensitive.. been emo. But now, I'm okay =)

I have to wrap and wrap and wrap =p. And also, I hope he will love them. Got lots of work to do. And I'm just wondering and pondering over something Riley just told me about. Goshh.. they just do things so soon! Wert about mee?? xD. Oh well, different people are different. The weather is feeling as mushy as I am.. and how I wish there were those company and warmth surrounding me right now.

Someone just told me why he just has to let go.. but I can feel his doubt.

I'm getting mad with a certain someone.. grrr. She's always picking on me and saying things about me, not to mention.. complaining to teachers about me. The littlest things people do to get at ya! My two fellow girlfriends said they were just jealous of me xD. Well, what's there to be envied? We're all one big happy family =) aren't we?

Tomorow is a tremendously special someone's birthday.. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!! *throws confetti everywhere* =D.

Love is all around <3

I wanna hear your heartbeat <3

2007-03-29T22:11:00.000-07:00

Whyy so emo? Ask myself.

I don't wanna go tuition!! And those form 4 Malay girls at that table are starting to annoy me a LOT. Just so many things lar.. sighs. And I just gotta find a way to go out wif my frens..it's soo hard. Tonight I would have to be back early.. I don't wanna spend my life under curfew! ><

Tomorrow is another bummer. I would be going to that forest reserve thingi.. but it is compulsory for us prefects to attend the interact day of prefects almost the whole day. What am I supposed to do? =/
And I was supposed to tell Kevin Phang what time I would be coming if I came.. haha. But he was in the teacher's office so.. I didn't wanna go in. Hey..Pn Yong inside! I can't stand facing another terror. She's too scary and all too random. So now, I have no choice but to moan over my stupidity.. sighs. For not telling Kevin! Cause I might not stand a chance entering the school without telling him beforehand *sighs*.

It's only a few minutes since school was dismissed. And I'm missing him so terribly now..so so so much. And there's also one more thing I miss... my awesome girlfriends <3 everyone in that dance school, everyone I've met and every single person I weaved memories with.

Just can't help but feel that my life is now full of responsibities.

I guess it's called growing pains.

Someday, I will find my way..

2007-03-28T01:03:00.000-07:00

Waliao..I saw Pastor Tryphena again today! She changed a lot whey and I never expected to see her again actually. Since when she became a pro in all that stuff? When I entered the room for the talk (after being sesat in class, till Wei Hsien helped me to look for my class xD).. I was woahh, surprised! She looked so familiar and she was my childhood model =) always jolly, always fun =] When she called for examples to come up front.. I was giggling. Till he was called, I can't stop laughing hahahaha. She said don't know wert.. but I heard = handsome and a lil hunchback. Haha.. and they held hands some more! It was a cute and hilarious scene <3>

I hate pms! Ughh.. half of my afternoon has been ruined by it! The pain is unbearable. One more problem..my dad's camera, yeah..the one I'm using (tsk,tsk) I place the batteries inside but it can't be closed!!! So I'm stuck with an 'open' camera.. waiting for Adelina to come help take pics =). It's currently 4.16pm and my camera is still dysfunctional. ughh.. I feel like tearing every part of my camera xD. All the efforts will come to waste if it is not fixed =/

Someone passed away in our school because of leukemia. I can't help but feel compassionate about it. All prayers! And I think Zack got into a car accident.. loads of people are talking about it.

Can't blog much.. gotta ciao =) lovessss.

You still make my heart flutter <3

2007-03-21T23:57:00.000-07:00

bk

So sad... feel so so so sad. Why?

My Moral marks is such a bitch. Thanks to my 'intelligence' of not writing in full sentence. And thanks to my oh so strict and non-favourite teacher for being so negligent. What am I ever gonna do? =/ Even adding marks won't make a single difference.. ahh! This is definitely my worst mark eva. Imagine if it was Add Math.. I would have already fainted by now. Maybe it is also my fault for taking that subject for granted. After all, I just don't really bother about Moral.<
I'm sensitive over the littlest things, because even the smallest things can cause the biggest problem. I wanna be a perfectionist. I can't let anything go wrong. I just can't... today, the rain just poured down. No one knew how I really felt but I was just thinking..and thinking..and thinking. I was emo xD. Right now, there are just two things I want to turn out right :
- I just want him to be happy =)

- I just don't wanna run away from my fears anymore..My trusting issue is getting worse.. I can't escape. Nor can I help it. I wish I can say I am sorry and just let all my insecurities fly away. But now, I'm saying sorry but the feeling remains the same. The uncertain, stubborn and denial to believe. That defines me. Now, I wish he would just understand and help me overcome this scary tragedy. I really really really wanna get over this... truly!
At this very moment, I just wish everything would go back to being perfect..Just like it was at the very beginning =)

I love todayy! The best day EVER <3 <3

2007-02-14T03:12:00.000-08:00

Omg yay yay yay! Time to rantttt!! Hahaha. Today was fabuloso!

This year's Valentine's Day has to be my best so far. I immediately felt happyy in the morning. Not to mention, feel tired due to the little amount of sleep I had last night. I was doing and decorating the card. Beautifying it, haha! To me, no colours.. patterns.. shapes.. so not complete and gnirob =)

Came to school, got along with duties and then walked with Sheena back to class. Everyone went to the Bio lab. So I smartly took out the handsomely designed heart-shaped carton of Famous Amos cookies and mua fabulous card, slipped it secretly into his bag =p
Feeling proud of myself, I headed off to the lab.

And the rest of the day, was waiting for him to give. I was starting to lose hope and was angry at myself for actually hoping for something in return xD. Till towards the end of school, I was upset. Sooo upset.

Some people say those who can shower you with surprises are the ones who will win your heart =) and that is true. Towards the end, the fun and exciting part begins. He started off by giving me a book as my Valentine's gift... tsk tsk. Much to my dissappointment! But it didn't end there. Silly me haha. It was so convincing, that's why. Then, I got a really sweet card. Sooo sweet =]

Last of all, when we were all alone in the classroom. Haha yeah right. People were peeping and eavesdropping outside the class, causing so much drama. Hahaha! He managed to shoo all of em away. Well, a few xD. Then, the big surprise wasn't the book for a Valentine's gift, it was a ring! Omg. I was like omgg... then he asked me for couple. Right there. Officially. That took my breath away. On February 14th. Valentine's Day. I agreed (obviously) and the rest is history.

I gotta go for tuition and eat Long John Silvers. Cya soon!

me, myself and i <3

2007-02-08T00:24:00.000-08:00

I took this quiz from someone's blog =p and here's what I got! Hahaha.

Based on your drawing and the 10 answers you gave this is a summary of your personality:You are sensitive and indecisive at times. You are a freedom lover and a strong person. You love your house and family. You are a gifted artist as well. Once you have a problem, you need a friend with you. Your life is always full of changes. You are very tidy person. There's nothing wrong with that because you're pretty popular among friends. Your life is always full of changes. You will avoid being alone and seek the company of others whenever possible. You love excitement and create it wherever you go. You see the world as it is, not as you believe it should be. You added a flower into your drawing. The flower signifies that you long for love. It also safe to say that others don't see you as a flirt. You don't think much about yourself.

You can check it out at http://drawahouse.com/houses/show.asp?houseID=458453&houseHash=74a9f22121b131320ba5a0039ef66c43

Hehehe!

Soaring into the stars... feeling higher and higher in the sky <3

2007-02-04T23:44:00.000-08:00

Hey! Bloggieee =D. My day has been awesome. Hahaha. It's not everyday that u get to say that right? But hey, I'm starting to like this special someone. He's funny, interesting, lazy xD, cheerful, cutee, adorable.. melts my heart to the very max. My EST teacher..was so funny. She asked those bunch of guys behind of me and Shereena, why they keep looking at me? xD. And he had to say.. cos she's pretty. Lol. lol. lol. Haha..speechless. Then, teacher was like..yea, I can' t deny that she is pretty but why? U attracted to her arr? Then he said...yeah, I want her. OMG. In front of teacher. Then, she said if I were her mum, I won't even agree to u. Woahh.. crazy. Then, his fren said...teacher, ure breaking his heart. Lol.

I love you but I love my Michelle more. hehe. Gosh. Love those words and.. all those things he ever said. I wish they were just there to last forever =)

I'm getting side-tracked. Gotta go get my studies. Been distracted for a while. I just love my darling hehe. Hearrtts!! =D

I may allow myself to fall in love again

2007-01-31T00:22:00.001-08:00

Hey!! Omggg.. a new post!! =D What a life.

Life has been dramatic, hectic and all the tics. Haha. I wanna go out but aiyoo.. I dun mean to be rude but..they have to give me my own life. And yeah, I'm refering to my parents. KT is such a nice fella. Shockingly, I feel for him too. Initially when I was blur blur that time, I was like huh? really ar? don't believe la.. that was when he told me he likes me. But now, it's not because I pity him or anything, it's mainly cos I like him soo soo much too =)

He's soooo tall! I can't believe it. I'm like a dwarf standing beside him..serious! Why am I ever born short? Pfft..that's not the point. Lol. He's also funnnyyyy =p. And..and has these humoungous eyes xD. Very animated looking indeed. So should I go for him? Mission no 1 : get to know him better. Hehehehe.. as in, don't regret in making reckless decisions. But I don't wanna break anybody's hearts and make them think he is better than them. That's just not true. All I wanna do is follow my heart <3>

He's soo shy. Don't think I can wait long xD. Hahaha..well, I'll never know myself lol. Yeah..till now, he still doesn't dare to ask me out. Haha.. when oh when, will he finally be brave enough? Just brave enough to tell me he's serious. To tell me it's true. I will be waiting.. for this day to arrive =).

I'm going to go to grandma's hse to stay for the night. This is SO unfair!!! My friends get to go out with their friends. I'm the gnirob one who have to stay home and abide to my parents' oh-so-wonderful rules. Pffft.

Dont u just hate your life sometimes? That's why you just need that someone to put a smile on your face :)

Raine <3>

Hear something inside breaking?

2007-01-04T00:19:00.000-08:00

She stared at the message he sent with wide open eyes...tears trickling slowly down her cheeks. It's not that she doesn't know it already. She was just playing strong and brave, completely stubborn...not to mention, ignorant to the fact that it is just not possible. She really wanna steer away from any commitments. Sometimes, she gets carried away. There's too much to take. Those won't last. Those will just waste your oh so precious time. It'll make you wanna flunk your exams at any rate, and waste your thoughts on nothing.

And so, as she wiped her tears off..she took her towel and headed to the bathroom to bathe. All she wanted right then was to cry in the shower. She didn't wanna feel or see her tears falling..being all hidden and confused with the water pouring down at the same time. She took a deep breath and then, replied him with an open heart and mind. Her feelings were tamed, her desires renewed. Leaving the old ones behind, she forced another smile. Not more than friends. Not more than just one chance of meeting. That's all she'll ever have. She's in despair...and as she tried to type gaily and happily, she felt her life draining out from her.

Without him, she felt so numb. The same, cold feeling when he told her not to miss him. She asked herself...do miracles happen? Things don't come easy. Life is no fairytale. It's just not like Snow White who got poisoned and true love would break the spell. Or even Cinderella who lived a hard life since her dad died and in no time at all, love sparks were flying between her and the Prince. Bah. If only real life were as crazy as the Prince to search far and wide for his girl and at last, they lived happily ever after. Hahaha.

As she typed her final words, she felt her soul calming down. Maybe after all, there are much more important things in her way. After all, they would never be together anyway. It's just too very different. It takes a LOT to finally be with someone, not just like love at first sight and the happily ever after story anymore.

Maybe now is just not the time to fly. It's the time for her to reach great heights, to succeed. She will definitely keep thinking about that guy. His smile would be her inspiration =) She is thankful that she doesn't have to attach herself to anything at this moment, after all....she has never been able to survive any heartbreaks ever. She then sent that message and settled down, feeling serene and joyful again =p.

<3

I'm totally in LOVE with Edward John Speleers!!!!!

2006-12-20T22:37:00.000-08:00

Just another beauty of Whistler Mountain in Canada

I love Ed Speleers =)

Heartthrob Ed with his co-star =)

His smile makes my day...anytime, anywhere <3

Ed enjoying an ice cream in costume..aww.

See how adorable he is? I love the way he holds his ice-cream =p. It's as if he's promoting it. Hahahaha.

Ed out in LA photo shoot!!

I'm totally crazy over him now. Hahaa. obsessed u call it =p.

This is Ed with Garrett Hedlund =D

Loook at his features. Pink cheeks. Blonde hair. Sky blue eyes. Now that's what I'm toking about!!

He loves James Dean and The Rolling Stones. His mum's spaghetti bolognese is his favourite..haha. Pasta la vista!

Happy for him for:

- landing a role in Eragon

-just passed his driving test!! =D

I know I will forever love Ed Speleers. With all my heart <3>

Hope you guys like my post =). And be crazy with me!!! Hehe.

Happy 18th birthday Ed Speleers!! ~ 21st December 1988

Ed Speleers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3<3<3

2006-12-17T19:22:00.000-08:00

I dunno why ed speleers is so cute! He has never been discovered and hes awesome!He's gorgeous!! OMG..like no other actor I've seen before. Oliver James is one of a kind with dark hair. This time, I've never really gone crazy over blonde haired guys before. But, for Ed Speleers..it's an exception. He's the first blonde actor I'm crazy of. And, those people in London get to meet him in person!!!! ><. I'm soooo jealous xD.Of course..he's from London anyway. I know this time it is impossible if I just wanna meet him in person. I'm not even in England. I'm here in Malaysia..sighhh. HE'S a dream that just can't come true. I can't stop thinking about him.

I created a Slide Show! Check it out!

2006-12-12T19:39:00.000-08:00

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2006-11-24T20:33:00.000-08:00

Hey! Finally I'm back! Gosh..hate my lifee! Guess what? My father has asked me to do Add Math every single DAY!! And, I have to finish all my Science subject revisions too gosh. This is really pressurizing ~ i can't take this anymoreeeeee! I just wanna have fun this holidays! Well, I mean yeaaa...I have to do some work but..at least, dun be so stern towards me. I'm trying here okay! I will but not with dad's face staring at me, wishing I could just disappear at that very moment! Ugh..sucks.

2006-11-08T23:38:00.000-08:00

I really cannot resist onlining..grrr. I'll either be nibbling my nails awaay or fall asleep on my book. What a shame =/. I have to break off the habit! Things are really hurting me. Hurting my emotions, my feelings xD and myself. I have to face disappointments ugh..and I feel like a fragile being. I can't smile with the weight off my shoulder or bring myself to clear off my mind from all my downfalls. Okay. This one whole week by itself, I split and I totally didn't make it to the finale of the idol competition. But hey..whatever. Those people can't really sing either. Just placing backup dancers and beautiful clothes as a distraction from their poor and bad voices xD.

Today was the prize giving ceremony. Pretty general and tremendously packed with people of all forms. Wei Hsien asked me to hand out the itineraries to the teachers so I only helped out with that, then I caught sight of him. I am not sure whether he was looking at me or not..but from my own eyes, he was. Jia Wei and her sister pulled off an interesting performance and it was really cool to see Jack's reaction when she sang..hehehe. *ehem*. Fairuz was fairly okay..not good this time. The special requested performances rocked laa!! Johan with his rap and this lower secondary boy with gay dance moves!! But..when Su Jean and Kit Yin sang ' At The beginning'..I can't help lookin at him playing the guitar. I met Ling Yi a gazillion times..haha. And also Shu Ying, Su Ann, Zachary *screams* and Vivian. At last, Vincent WON!! Hehe. He deserved that.

Feeling utterly empty inside. I really wanna feel whole again. And true sheer happiness, of course. Losing him has been hard and it doesn't make sense even more because I wanted to. I had a reason, I was sure that I didn't wanna go on that way =/. The difficult and trapped way.
Now, it is difficult but I'm free. Haha, but free in an uncertain, unstable and erratic way. Maybe time is all I need to..get used to myself like this.

No more excuses.

There must be something that made me feel I would be better off on my own. I am not the kind who makes decisions foolishly. I guess after careful and tons of considerations from every angle of my brain, I got myself a rational sense of right and wrong to do what is right. I did so. There is no turning back.

Maybe when I look back, I would realize that I wouldn't do anything else to replace my kind of position now. I'm just not seeing it yet. Remember those times he didn't even care, he left you alone standing? And when you called, he kept quiet all the time and couldn't even pick up the phone to give a call? How about those times when he couldn't care less about asking you out and flirting with other girls behind my back? What about those meaningless words he used to say which meant nothing at all...just sweet for the ear to hear? Or the times he did nothing or say anything at all and still feel okay?

Okay, now I can get the sense of what it is like again. Haha.

Pretty typical of me ~ I adore attention, no attention = no future. So guess I better be going. I left Joan on the phone lol. and my add math is calling ~ michelle!!!!!

<3

I know I'm usually hanging on..I used to hate to see you gone

2006-11-01T02:00:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired now. *sigh*. So much to do nowadays like I've never had before. People say that you are the one who really brings things into your life. I have this instinct that I'm just keeping myself busy to forget him. Okay..let's take a look at my schedule. Sigh..I have this Form One thing to do this Friday and I'm in charge of lobby. Yep..the whole day. And what can be worst? I should be finding songs now but..I don't have a single idea. I had so many suggestions thrown for me, yet..I can't make up my mind *sighs*. Yep..on that very same Friday, there is gonna be Twealveans' Idol as early as eight in the morning =/. I'm a tad bit excited, loads of anxiety and thinkin of withdrawing too. Haha..I may back out if I can't get myself prepared by then.

On Saturday, there's Form Five graduation. Lots to do!! Ahh!! Then, there's that singing practice in church =/. Oh shit..am I really quite ready for my dancing assessment this Sunday? *whines*. And also, not to forget..have to prepare for my burfday party =D. Yay!! It'll definitely be fun, I promise =). Haha. And also to get some things done once and for all for now. I know exactly what I mean xD. I hate the way how things are going now. Honestly, it's all work, work, work everyday. Where's the love that I've always needed? Where was he when I was all on my own? To be honest, I really would prefer to be on my own than a dead, rotten, dry, flat relationship. Lol. You name it =).

And, I don't care about what people say about my blog. Or even try to judge me thru this *smirks*. Well, they can't judge someone by their blogs. And, I would like to write what I want to write, thank you =). If you don't like it, then don't read it. Simple.

-

can't do anything to make me feel better ~ only you can. It's now or never.

2006-10-18T23:15:00.001-07:00

Exams are finally overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!! Kay! Time for me to vent. My life is boring at the moment. That's because I just came home from school. *shrugs* but seriously, I don't feel any better. Why? I know exactly the reason why ~ him. It's so ironic, it really is strange. Because the girl I knew *laughs* is not who I am anymore. My feelings are all mixed up. Even I am a very mixed-up person xD. But, I feel like crying every moment of everyday. This is not what I want all along. This is getting too much..too much for me to take! Why doesn't he even try? I know it's a huge and serious mess but..why can't I stop stressing about it? Because I care about us till the very core of my heart <3.>
I can't let him go, that is why I can't say those words... I can't hold still because I can't stop crying everyday just by not seeing him and stuffing it all inside =(... I can't face him nor our distance, it's too painful to know that every millisecond that passes by doesn't even give him a single memory of me =/.

Tell me!!!!!!! WHat should I DO???!! He has to save me now. I can't even save myself! Oh please Godd, I need a miracle now. If he doesn't show any signs that he cares, I don't wanna be with him anymore!! Forget all the ifs and maybes, all the hows and whys and listen to the way I feel for a while. If I don't feel any better, I don't wanna waste my time to be with someone who doesn't even call me, doesn't spend time with me and in the other side of the world all the time, who doesn't even try and try to care, doesn't even miss me even if there's no sign of me for a century?, doesn't even say anything to make me feel special !

Forget how much I love him. Forget how much he means to me.

He will never see. Those good old days are over.

Maybe I should stop hoping for a while and start seeing some sense into things.

Sometimes when you love someone so much, you might not even be meant to be. And that's just how it's like.

2006-10-11T01:54:00.000-07:00

I'm going thru SJ's friendster now. Haha. I've got this terrible habit of going thru people's profile and staring...scanning every single detail I can see. Seeing what people would say XD..bringing out all my assumptions and all. Well..haha. I shouldn't listen to myself sometimes. It's too misleading. There's this girl named Hoe Yen. Well, she's kinda pretty haha. In those chinesey way. She asked him whether some day wanna go yum cha anot?! And said this--------------> you got my number right? =p. OMG. I'm jealous now..yup. Haha. Pulling back one step behind. Honestly, I don't think we're gonna last. First of all, no matter how hard I try, I can't stop being the person I already am. I just get more and more jealous and that breeds even more insecurities = (. I'm sorry for being the way I am. I feel so sorry for myself. Secondly, I can't take anymore rumours. I really can't take it anymore. I keep hearing the word = berlaku curang =S. I promise I won't let it get to me but..it still really hurts. I can't face him without thinking how unfaithful he might be. I cannot face him with a smile on my face =). I can only face him with doubt. Next, he says he loves me but he...just won't. No use saying if you don't mean it. I can read it in between your eyes. And oh yea, you don't have to show me what you don't feel either. Don't do this to please me. Just please mean it.
Other than that, we don't spend a lot of time with each other and I feel that is such a pity. Our distance has been growing wider and...we're just too far apart. Haha. Yup..blame me for being too sensitive. Blame me for being such a jealous girl. Blame me for everything we had apart. The problem is..I can't feel him anymore = (. He's just too far away.

As one day goes by, I grow a step closer to all my insecurities.

I don't think I can make you help me feel better. You can't. You've hurt me too much.
All i can say is sorry, sorry and sorry....

Now I'm off to my sanctuary to spend a little alone time shedding some painful tears. That's why we cry. Simple. It is because we can't take the sorrow.

OMG xP

2006-10-07T08:13:00.000-07:00

OMG! OMG! OMG! I'm so sick of studying already!!!

What kind of nonsense is all this? bleh bleh..ughh. Studying 24/7 like some freakin nerd!! I really can't take this anymore. Nothing absorbs efficiently into my brain anymore. First..I'll study Physics..stewpid Physics!!!! Gah..then Add Math. All the hard hard subjects laa. Next, comes Bio and Sejarah. Ewwww..

And finally, I'm dead. Called him but he's not home. Hmm..wonder where he went. I do not say anything..nono but I so freakin miss him = (. More than words can ever express. He better not do me wrong..he will regret that he lost such a great gf..gahh! Lolz..just flattering myself xP. Truth is..hehe, I treat him really well but..he doesn't know it? Well, sometimes I'm too afraid to show. I've learnt to truly appreciate him but..now exams are here and he might just be partaying all week. Now..that is a risk. And I can't think of him either...it'll just affect my already poor brain. Sigh.

I feel lonely almost everyday. Don't know what's got into me but I guess the situation is the one that's making me feel this way. I miss school, I wonder who I can call a friend to always call upon, I miss boyfriend, I miss hanging out outsidee and everything in between.

Thatz all ~ hehe. Got business to do =p.

Hang on tight..you're gonna stay with me foreva!!!

2006-10-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

Hey!!!! I'm back again. And first thing I wanna say ~ noooooooo! I really don't want to study. Everybody's studying now...ughh. I'm alone at home..as usual. Studying and rotting in the house. Afraid to call anyone, wondering whether anyone ever thought of calling me too. Sigh. Okay..whatever. Guess studying is the main priority now *smirks*. I mean, I'll just be a nerd for one whole week..then I'll be okay. How bad can that get? Except I'll be some stupid lonely freak sitting down with a book and studying *displays pale face*.

I guess I'm always alone you noe! Sometimes I feel like I'm so not alone, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one. Whyy?? Maybe becoz I am alone at homee! But thatz not the point either. I bet 100% that I won't want my parents home either. That'll be worse than staying home alone ><. So what exactly do I want? Probably bump into a swanky hotel for perhaps..10? along with my mates?? =X. Hahaha! If I have a chance, I wanna have slumber parties everyday. No..seriously. That'll be so cool!!! Okay. Snap out of all your fantasy! Right now..it's just me, my computer and soooo rotting in the house.

Hmm..currently browsing through the net. Scanning the Friendster page and blogging. Seriously...nothing much. I guess I would very much prefer to go out, not stay in like this. haha..It's because that onlining is preferably the most exciting activity in the house..lolz, that's totally the reason why I online =). I don't have my own handphone. There's like no private social contacts for me. And I can't keep track of all those people! Hellloooo...privacy is totally a privilege. And I would love that, thank you.

Pmr today. I wished all of them on Friday so..itz okie if I didn't wish them yesterday XD. About the foolish thing I did about him, I totally don't know how to face him next. It's really humiliating now that I think back. Sigh. Yesterday, I was reading my journal again. And, I purposely turned to the month of June. Haha..why? That was one of the awesome months of the year. Picturing back in my mind...awwww! Those were such sweet memories. Remember that time where I didn't care much and took everything like...whatever..and everything just fell into placee? It all just came to me. I was like JC?? Whatever... haha. That was like soooo for fun. Now, itz amazing how differently I see it. I'm serious in him. It's not for fun anymore. When I started off, it was and I didn't even care. Now, I really can't possibly imagine how can I be who I was a few months ago. I mean, how can I not take him seriously?? Haha. See what I mean? =p.

I passed for my organ exam! Hahaha! It's just a pass laa..but hey! Gotta appreciate that. Ling Yi failed so..I'm lucky I passed! Hahaha *grins*. After all this time...hehe. I'm getting on to another gradeee!!! =D.

Back to my nerding nest...hehe. I found something to do already. Thatz why I'm gonna stop blogging for now..XD. Byeeeeee.

I love you so much =).

2006-09-27T00:44:00.000-07:00

Me and Ji Chuan <3

hEYY! YAYYYY! *screams with joy*. Finaallly got a purrfect picture of me and him. Just love ittt..don't ya???

I'm falling in love with it =D. What eva am I gonna do without it?? HAHAHAHAHA.

This shall be the end. I can't stand not talking anymore..

2006-09-23T10:21:00.000-07:00

Every single day I get so worked up. I feel so sad all the time because he doesn't even know how I feel. He ignores me like I am noone special....do I even matter? Please let me vent out here. I can't take it much longer. Breaking up is hard to do. All along, I've been holding on to something new. All along, I needed it. I thought about it everyday and it gives me strength. I'm not even cared for even if I'm with him. So fake. I guess I'm lying to myself. I wish there was another reason but I'm not allowed to let another reason take hold of me. I really wish I didn't have to do this but..it'll hurt much longer and I know nothing will be done. All those times, all those memories...I gotta give them all away. What happened to you boy? I feel so lonely being with you and being without you. Flirtatious freak =/. I wannna stop feeling so terrible. I really don't wanna be crying for you anymore. My heart is already broken...I will not be able to put back the pieces if I fall too hard.

It's been good knowing you. It's been great being with you. It's been awesome falling in love with you.

awesome dinner night ~ and I would do anything to just feel better <3

2006-09-16T04:47:00.000-07:00

Dinner, prefect's dinner. Fun. Beautiful. Glamorous. Weird =/. The night smelt of jealousy. And guess who is having the green eyed monster. yUp..meee! Okay..that sounded so wrong. me...haha. Now, I'm feeling more bored than ever. Something is so wrong here. The performance were not bad. Everyone totally didn't pay attention to the last performance and it was quite amusing of Russell wrestling Gabriel..and Su Ann was Juliet. Haha~! Carol Ann sang not really nice but good effort anyway. =/. Johan Halim kept disturbing Wong Siok Ai. Well..she's cute, haha.

Lim Wan Shin. Everyone wanted her to win for female best dressed. She acted in the sketch and looked flirty and adorable in her mini skirt?! Hey! I thought no mini skirts allowed! Grrrr..
Hah! Spotted Bryan John acting all shy around her..hellooo, he was sitting right beside her. And all along, I saw him holding an elegant red rose. Want to present it to his beloved? Haha..I'm hinting Wan Shin. And yea..I was pretty jealous whenever she's around. She is his ex-gf. Why wouldn't I be?

I don't have any pics to spare though. Silly me..I totally misplaced my camera, didn't bring it along..and now it is nowhere to be found. It's goneee! Let's just pray hard that daddy doesn't notice its disappearance. *sniffs*. Just yet! Hope I will find it soon..

I got my hair done. Wore this really gorgeous dress. Put on my make up. Wore tangly earrings ~ butterfly =). Applied nail polish. Shaved..oops. Heh. And what does he say? Absolutely nothing! He was the reason i dressed up so harddddd. If it was only coz of the dinner, I wouldn't be as insane as to make myself up like that! He wasn't romantic either *sulks* and disappeared half of the night. When he is with me, I bet 100% that he is not concentrating on me. Because when i asked him to follow me to take some desserts, he went all the way to the main course areaaaa. Blur nye. Considering there were people everywhere, maybe it is hard to concentrate on only me. But at least, pay 100% attention when being with me!!! And he has the 'now you see me, now you don't' thing about him.

Good part time! haha. We took a lot of pictures! But all thru other friend's camera. And he introduced me as his girlfriend. lolzz. When I came, I could tell he was excited and happy. But just...not enough to make my night. He has to put in more effort la. And I'm sure I'm not expecting too much!!! Experiences can tell u a lot of things. Mine tells me that he could treat me so much better. Boyfriends do not keep silent around their girlfriends. mind you..grrr.

We need to get a little closer, be a little lovier <3.>But nnoooooo....
What happened? I said I had to go, and he said goodbye. *dot dot dot*. Goodbye. Not even a romantic tone of goodbye. It's those monotonous kind. He stared at me..I stared at him. Obviously hoping for something better. But nobody said anything in the end. End of story. Case closed. So much for my happy ending on the seemingly glorious night!

It spoiled my mood. I wasn't myself. I'm still not. Shocked by what didn't happen..
Not to mention, my eyes had too much eyeliner..now I know that eyeliner is not suitable for me. Only eyeshadow =D. Eyeliner only makes me look like a zombie just out from bed =/.

Me and Ginny <3.

See what I mean? Zombie huh..

I promise I'll put more pics if I can grab more from those people. This time, I want me and my boyfriend's one. Haha!

*hearts*. Byee~!

I don't wanna pretend so this is the end of you and me

2006-09-12T00:39:00.000-07:00

hey Bloggie. I realize that I only blog when I'm sad. I had the most awesome camp that day and I didn't even fit that in. Ohh..where do I start? That camp was syok laa..it was the best I've ever been to..haha! With a twist of cruelty XD. But overall it was a huge success. Bryan must be very proud..kekeke.

Deep down, I'm really really really not feeling alright. I suck..seriously. I feel so sucky as long as my relationship's a mess. I've been figuring out these days about what should I do, when and how. I plan to push everything till after PMR. Hooohooo..all the BIG decisions will have to wait. I can't really decide now anyway, it is not easy to tell from genuinely not talking to me because there is something wrong with our relationship or being waay too busy for PMR. Time will definitely tell. I know he is not that kind of person. I believe he will definitely care for me somehow. Just don't understand why he looks like he doesn't really care....he doesn't make an effort. He doesn't call, I feel like I'm just a friend. I get a lil too suspicious too. Especially towards Carmen. I keep thinking too that he is probably bored being with me and is just too chicken to end things. The reason he's holding on is so that he can still gain entrance to my house and do all those lovey-dovey stuff..or maybe he just loves the rush of a relationship. Guess his feelings faded away a little already. From what I see and observe, I can tell.

I don't wanna call him and look so desperate. If he wants to talk, he'll definitely call laa! I'm wishing he would every day, but I try to stuff it all in. Maybe cause of our difference....
Somehow I'm fading away from him too, I talk less about him..I don't really try anymore. That's because I feel that I tried to tell him so many times, but nothing ever changes. I guess I got tired of saying or telling him how I feel cause I know he also wouldn't care. I always try not to think about him and if there are any stuff to talk about him, it'll be mostly bad stuff like..our relationship's not working out or he is not caring for me. Well, happy stuff? Whats there to talk about? He is totally ignorant and insensitive towards our relationship. What more can I do?? I've been brainstorming for days!!! Wondering what I should do...waiting for him to give me an idea of where to go about us. Waiting for him to be the attention seeking one. It's been so long since he ever proved or showed his feelings for me. Maybe there are even none! Choy! *slaps face*. but still! Maybe la, maybe la. >< I just don't wanna bring this up when it is only a few days before PMR. I don't want him to think about our relationship first. Even if he does, he's not gonna work it out well. Time just ain't right. That is why I'm totally silent about our
relationship...rest assured that he needs time to study and to catch up on all his work and that I shouldn't bother him but give him his own time and space for PMR. Well...well...well. But after that..there is no more excuse. Call or don't call, I would know that there can't be any other distractions or barriers that could possibly be another reason for our distance. I can see it clearly. I can also shoot all my fire and anger out. Because I can't take it anymoree!!!! If he isn't trying, if he isn't feeling...there we are, hopeless and doing nth for each other. If he isn't trying, he's not gonna get me to stay. Relationships are a two-way street. If it is only me, there is no more meaning left to him anymore. And I don't wanna be silent forever. I have so many things left unspoken, so many things I wish I could do with him. All this time, I was trying to find a way to break free of all my illusions and I don't want to believe in something I never had. I really cant be silent anymore, i have so many things to say to him. And when it's time, it is time.

How do I feel?
I really like this guy...truly, sincerely, madly =p.

What are your hopes?
He'll call everyday, make xtra effort in this, let his feelings out, communicate!!!!!!, treat me like a girlfriend.

Will you still make an effort in this?
Yes. If he shows me that he still cares about this. Well..why not? It is well worth it to me if it is well worth it to him. Let's work together! =D.
If he doesn't, I couldn't even care less. There is nothing I can do anyway..

This shall be the end. Feels good to let it alll out =).

everything is effed up...straight from the heart <3

2006-09-07T01:52:00.001-07:00

I know that my blog is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different from every other gurl or boy. People DON'T ever visit it and it has forever been unknown. I write things a little more personal than the rest. There are no tags here either. It's just an empty, miserable and lonely blog. So sad case *sobz*.

Like for some, they just need to release everything straight from the heart and that would mean....yeap, personal XD. So..here goes. I still want a handphone very badly. And baby to talk to me again...no matter how busy he is. I really want my teeth to be straight!! I want a skirt with a lower cut. I can't go to school without feeling intimidated by how I look = S. And I want all my friends back!! Every one I missed, everyone I treated badly or taken for granted, everyone that is bound to be known.

Right now, I'm really lucky to be one of the prefects..never expected it. Just praying all those activities won't preoccupy and block out all other connections with dearly loved ones. Nowadays, I'm really busy. No time to study also..most of the time also no mood. Feeling really confused with baby too...I know he is busy, rather not bother him *snorts*. Well, I try to keep myself busy too, I try not to think about him. Maybe after the major exams, things will turn out well again?! I really don't noe. I hope it will! Well, it has to! I mean, that's the reason why we're so distant now right?? I can't describe how I felt in school today. I felt miserable...he wasn't around. Yesterday I wasn't, and now...today, him?? Is he trying to play games too? There is no complete explaination for this because I guess I'll never know coz I'm too stubborn to ask =p. But honestly,I miss him waaaaaaaay too much. Much much more than anyone who could ever miss anyone else. I keep thinking how is he and whether he still cares about me or not. I wish I was somehow here with him again...

Class is waaaaaay boring. I can't stand everyday in class. I everytime would feel so sleepy. And i totally dread those moments. But then again, STUDY. Examz are closer than we think and I really did my worst yet the previous time. So, no matter how much I hate to, I still have to study. What other choice do I have? There is no easy way out. If only life would treat me better and leave more smiles on my face, probably I would be able to cope with it all without a single complaint..

I'm desperate for exhilarated moments!! I can't stand every mundane day, every dull and lifeless day. I miss all my friends and wanna be with them every moment. Most of all, I kinda breathe, eat and sleep boyfriend. I'm all over and into him like crazy. If only he knew and understood...

That will be my 'lonely' blog for today. To all who ever comes across this, thanks for dropping by! You are greatly and well appreciated =D. And I heart you!

everything is effed up...straight from the heart <3

2006-09-07T01:52:00.000-07:00

Feeling hungover...once again

2006-08-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

Can the day get any mundane?

That's what you get from school holidays. The usual same thing you wake up to every morning. Peeps usually just online or laze around the house all day. Some goes out every single day ~ for various activities or simply just to have fun. But as for me: it's an on and off thing. I've been having fun one day, and lazing around the next. HAHA...variety is the spice of life right? Proud of myself also laa. Got to do the things that I don't usually do like, learning how to bake and cook in my fren's house, hanging out in different places etc.

But one thing I really miss the most is spending time with one of the most important people in my life. I miss him coming to my house. I miss him being with me and waiting at the gate just to see me. I miss all his hugs and kisses. I miss all the smiles he shoots me and all the stares he can't stop giving away. Most of all, I miss his voice and not to mention, every thought of him. I miss him so much and I wish we could really get together again. Well..it's not as easy as it seems.
There are a lot of things left unsaid and a lot of words left hidden inside. But I just don't wanna think about them....I just wanna get together and be swept away by how I feel. If only he knew that and if only he felt the same way too..

Will he be thinking of me like how I think of him all the time, pretending not to care at the same time? Is he wishing as badly as I am to be together with each other, by my side? Does he feel like just wanting to pick up the phone and call as many times, the way I do? But still never manage to do so, just because I can't find the right words to say. Has he ever come online so many times, hoping I'm on too...the way I do? Does he reminisce all the things we always say and everything we ever did together because he really misses me...like how I always miss him. Is he as paranoia as me...wishing he wouldn't fall for any gurl who comes by within the time when we're so far away from each other? Haha. Always want things to still be the same with us and I think too much at times if he would really find a more attractive gurl out there when I'm not around..

Every distance I embrace it. Every memory I keep it. Who can keep me away from my weakness? The one that never fails to charm my heart. Wah..deep huh? XD.

That's enough thinking to fill my blog for the day.

Have a nice day =).

2006-08-07T01:03:00.000-07:00

I love to blog! More than anything in this world. It's been so long now. And gotta study soon...got exams. I really wanna faint already. Those ppl who don't have exams. You should be lucky! =p. I miss a lot of things at this moment. I miss my life. Lolz. My old life. Though I used to cry a lot, I laughed more than ever too. Now, though I don't cry anymore, I don't really laugh anymore either. Probably because that guy is insensitive. Probably because when everything feels wrong, he feels nothing at all. Quiet nowadays. I wish he could tell me how he feels and I could read his mind. Then, we wouldn't be so far away at heart. Say something anyway laa! Everytime also like that wan. One thing's for sure.. he doesn't love me. Though I try to assure myself a thousand times, he just doesn't. It's all a mistake. It has all gone wrong lately and only I can feel it and can really see what's really going on. Was he there when we were so far away from each other? Did he call? Did he even bother to find out why? How many times have I heard him say 'I love you'? Less than 5 times. He calls on certain days only. We talk a lot sometimes only. I miss him all the time but he seldom does. I don't think he loves me enough to sustain a relationship. Even if we go on, cannot last laa!! Not strong enough. Just a little twist and it'll break. My previous one can be described as unbreakable. But this one...is fragile. It's not enough! His love is not even enough for us to last. Verdict = we don't have a strong bond between us. I wish we had...I wished it everyday. But ~ what can I do if I'm the only one working on it? He is like rain pouring away from its designated area. What can I do to chase him back? If he's not making an effort in us at all!

2006-07-12T00:20:00.000-07:00

Sunday = an awesome day! We had ice cream, funn and twisted with lots of love. MV Doulos is soo big and NICEE! It's air conditioned..of coz nice laa. But the best part of all was I got to spend the day with him. We went to McD's in Taipan which was our gathering place. It was pretty boring at first so I mixed and mingled with the girls while he was not around..hmm, he came back with an ice-cream for me!! So sweet! I couldn't finish it anyway and he finished it for me =p. Finally, the bus arrived and he obviously sat with me..haha. It was fun in the bus and everyone was talking..we were then separated into groups of 5 and he..being him, lol..asked for 2 ppl in a group. *ehem*

I heart my boyfriend so much =D.

2006-07-04T01:54:00.000-07:00

Bloggie now is not safe anymore. It has been invaded by unexpected and unwanted guests. So now there'll be initials Jc kay?

Anyway, I feel so airy right now XD. After I k*** him again today. *gives scared look*. About how I feel? I feel so bad towards tomato. I broke his heart. I didn't wait long enough for an answer. I practically was selfish and gave myself a chance to move forward, but not...him. Now, how is he supposed to move on? How am I supposed to make him see and understand? How can anything comfort and console him now? It's all my fault. I thought things will change. But it looks like what has already been started has to continue and go on. And like ppl say ~ the past is the past. But those memories burn and hurt you, those feelings just haunt you and never leave you.
Thinking of this, I do not wish for tomato to feel this way... I felt it once and it was painful. All I wanna know now is how do you fix things? How do you go on and continue in a right way? How do you get out of something you know you don't belong? How do you make him feel okay again?

It's really unfair to think that he has to wait and get heartbroken as well as me... I'm useless because it seems that I'm giving him false hopes that are leading nowhere.

I am guilty because I like Jc.

I like him a LOT. I like him soooo much! He loves me too. At least, that's what he says =p. I really really really do. And I wouldn't wanna trade him for anyone else. Not just yet. He's special to me and unique in every way. I'm beginning to see him in a more different way. I'm beginning to take him seriously! Seeing everything that is good in him. He is a really nice guy. Non- provoking, understanding, and utterly loyal. So yeaa =). I like him damn freaking much!

Mood : sucky?! Relationship blues..

2006-06-30T02:26:00.000-07:00

I'm currently BORED. Yupp.. this sucks to the max. So I'm just dwelling in my boredom. This post is going be be really sucky cause I feel sucky. Muahahaha!! Ok..I'm crazie Xp.

I really really don't think this whole relationship thing is working out. It was getting along fine, then..things are starting to change now. Have you ever felt like you weren't with anyone even if u are with someone? *XD. It's like we don't really communicate. It's like hmmph...we see each other, talk, walk away, come back again. Wth! There's no fire or enthusiasm. I guess he's getting bored of me and everyday, I go blank around him. Sigh. I know, I know, this is veryyyy bad. Maybe it's just me but I can differentiate between actually liking me or just being there for the sake of being with me. Well, all I can say is... if his heart's not in it, might as well just walk away. I hope it's not cause of the three months deal we made *gulps*. Lolz! Back here.. yeah. I feel so tortured sometimes. Silence can kill sometimes..really! Break the ICE!! No communication ~ *faints*. That's one thing. Doesn't he know the art of being romantic or even concerned for someone? Ughhh!! The things that I really hate when I'm in a relationship are :

- lack of communication
- silence *swt*
- ignoring and avoiding
- nothing much in common/ nothing to talk
- haste
- unprofessionalism
- just not being there
- doing nothing together
- when feelings and actions and words don't match XD
- making the wrong move

There! These are a few I can think of. And out of those, I think I 'm going thru like..7 of them?!
Sucks big timeee.

Oh yeaa..happy birthday Ivan Kow and Syed Ali! May u guys have a blast this year and many happy returns =). I only hope to get a grip of my problems and break the ice. I really don't know why I get mighty nervous when I'm with someone. I just shut myself out =/. Eg. I always minimize my talking and stop flirting with other guys. Other than that, I get paranoia over small things like why is he coming so late? or why didn't he call today? You should know =p. Stuff like that! Then, the worst part is I'll start thinking a lot and coming up with a silly conclusion and making a stupid decision XD.

I'm currently bored. I miss all my friends. How I wish I had a handphone. *sigh*

I'm okay...I promise =).

2006-06-28T01:32:00.000-07:00

Attention!!!! Lolz..what was that for?!?! Hahaha, I saje only XD.

Anyway, after days of pining pain not being able to get out from anything..I am feeling okay 0nce and for all. Well, at least I'm feeling relieved now. Why? XD. Well, first of all, he doesn't wanna end the relationship with me. He still *hearts* me. So, I shall postpone my plan ~ haha. Lolz, oklaaa ~ truth is I pity him. I am being unfair to him all along and he doesn't deserve me treating him this way. After everything he feels bout me... I totally feel sorry for what I tried to do.
And I know I will always have a way out no matter what =). Thanks for waiting for me and loving me all along!! Well, if he leaves me now, I will still have that another ' special someone'. That significant other has given me hope all along and will never ever let me go.

Everyday he's yearning for me, dreaming of the day when we would be together. Thinking of me each and every moment. I'm his strength + happiness + love. He's the sweetest guy in the world..*hearts*.

I'm so proud of myself!!!!! I did W-E-L-L in my presentation!!! Ahhh!!!!! I managed to pull off the whole thing real well =D. And teacher said ~ I made it!! Yea yeah.. I'm good *grins*.

Okay.. I won't break up just yet =p. And that's final. I'm so happy ~ I feel so lucky. Hate those times when I thought I had so little..I couldn't have asked for more =).

Mood : feel like having funn =D

2006-06-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

Yay!!!! Can blog!! Hehe ~ I miss this bloggie thingi..

I'm bored currently. Confused? Not so much of that right now. I just wanna be fair to everybody and follow my heart?! What I'm following now also..I don't know. Guess it's just going with the flow..

See my title? Yup yup yup!! That's how I'm feeling right now. FUNNN..here I come XD. I gotta get some ideas for my forum presentation next week *shivers and shakes*. And open day!!! *faints*. I didn't even tell my mom entirely about my sucky results. I just can't imagine what my dad would say.. *gulps*. Ooo..I voted for Bryan!! GO BRYAN!!! He deserves to be the next head prefect. Charming + brilliant + super nice = Bryan. Haha..

I wonder why I'm so scared when I face the netball court. It's like killing me. I dare not even pick up the ball and play XD. As if the ball is poisonous. Like that day, in that interclass comp, I wanted to play but..I know I'll act like a fool. And what did teacher say about Darshinii? aka goalkeeper...she said ~ height and nothing else *stunned*. Okay, I seriously need help from my boy aka pro basketballer!!!!!! Then I'll be kengness XD.

These days, I keep dreaming of going somewhere else...anywhere but here. I miss HOLLAND loads. I miss Aunt Mary and Uncle Jan..they're the best!! And those trams, cute guys, weather, ducklings, theme park, beautiful attractions..Gosh. Yeaa..I wish I could be somewhere else, somewhere I love =).

Being a prefect is not easy. Juggling responsibities and priorities is not easy. But making more friends is one thing, participate in all the fun stuff that only prefects can is also another awesome thing. Feeling more respected and high? XD. And being a part of a together group, working together, bringing each other up =).

That will be it for today =). Stay tuned for more...

My mind is going crazy..

2006-06-21T00:44:00.000-07:00

I wish today will just end..seriously. I wish I didn't have to go through bad days and being alone, like you're always by yourself..till you get pretty lonely at times? *sighs* Like how I feel now...

Ji Chuan has been treating me well and since that day we got together in my house, he haven't called ever since. Well, yea. I did talk to him in school but it wasn't the same. People are saying stuff about him that I know will affect what I think of him. People say he's flirtatious and people say he cannot be trusted. I still feel so drawn to him..I know it's wronggg. I miss him so much now ><. Honestly, he's the only one currently that I really trust now.

How can tomato be such a liar? Why do I hear what they have to say after I thought we were meant to be..
I've somehow thought so all along. People were talking about it and now, I don't believe him anymore. I just wish he'd go away...I just wish he'd leave me alone. Shattering my dreams into nothingness *cries*. I don't wanna hear anything he has to say to me anymore..
I really need to get away from all this nonsense. I can't take this anymore..I feel so heartbroken once again. Leave + get out +go away =I don't wanna see you anymore.

Sometimes, it's just so hard. Sometimes, you really dunno what are truths and lies. Nowadays, lies are going on everywhere. You feel nothing is true anymore...as if every good thing was merely a fairytale and a dream come true. I'm losing it all ~ I'm losing my mind.

A girl who knows who her friends are and watching them disappear one by one. As if they nv had any special moments and wonderful memories together. As if everything they have ever been through all sums up a sad ending. As if she never even got to know them..
To the both of you who have forgotten me as a friend ~ you should know who you are.

And finally, I end this entry with a sad goodbye and a little tear for your memories. xoxo

is there someone that I can run to? I miss all my yesterdays... so so much

2006-06-19T02:33:00.000-07:00

Take it slow?! My heart cries out that only word..

He's going too fast laa!! Geramnya ><.. and the feeling? Yeah, it has to come slowly. Don't blame me if I said I wasn't ready. I just wasn't..it was too fast! And too sudden ~ I like him and all but he shouldn't rushhh. I wish it didn't have to be this way... I really really wish it was more like..emotionally and less physically. Come on..we won't die if we don't do anything physically!! I really like him though XD. I wouldn't trade him for anyone else. Well...not yet. Hahaha!! he's nice and sweet! Need to give me more time to adapt and love him. I'm just so tired nowadays. So much demands to meet everywhere. Not to mention, expectations and struggles. I struggle a lot with myself nowadays. Sometimes I dunno what is right and what is wrong , I get lost. I need to getaway. Away from everybody else and unwind XD. Somebody ~ save me from my misery = (.

I don't wanna go to school already. I'm so restless and I rather sleep or just get away from here. I've caught myself sleeping in class like so many times, too tired and the teachers just talk and talk and talk. There was this group talk today and it was DISASTROUS. Not to mention how terrible it went~ everyone was blabbing about and in the end, no one got up to the point X).

* the end*. I need to resign for a while XD..

Lovely =p

2006-06-17T23:01:00.000-07:00

I made it..yay! yay! woohoo ~ hehehe.

I sang XD. aND am proud of it though I didn't really live up to my expectations. When I heard it again..thanks to Richard's recording..it was okie worr!! XD. But everyone heard me swallowing my saliva and looking pretty nervous in front there OMG. I felt like hiding my face je..
And like some famous celebrity, I was surrounded by people..lots and lots of people. Hahaha *blushes and gives a sarcastic smile*. Lolz!!

OMG, guess what I just saw on tomato's MSN nickname?! He wrote this = she is an ex for a reason. Duh! Thatz me ~ coz I just said the same thing to him that day, oh dearr. What does he really mean? Is that statement meaning like... she was yours, now she's gone..so why not just forget her? Or..does it mean like this? ~ she's with another guy now, you should know by now why you guys broke up. I just feel so bad after reading that. What have I done?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Anywayz, today is Ade's birthday! One thing she's really lucky having is ~ lots of close girlfriends around that truly love her and support her. Like me !!! XD. Nolaa..got Chui Nee, Lisa, Karyn, I-Jing and the rest. Hehehe..
I kinda miss her nowadays. I seldom talk to a friend about how my life is going on now. Lolz..so busy and all ~ just a chat with a simple friend is a bit too overrated. I hope I can still be in tuned with all my friends =).

That will be my post for today. Enjoy the days people!!!!!!!!! Toodles! ~ <3

I told myself to never fall in love with you...but I already have.

2006-06-14T00:23:00.000-07:00

Oh dear..today has been rather sucky. Ugh.. because of her, I have to not go for koko later ~ she doesn't caree. And one whole day today, I didn't talk to her..hah! All she ever thought about was who? Herself! "= \. I can't express how angry I'm feeling right now...

I miss Ji Chuan so much!! Don't know...why.

As each day goes by, I'm getting more and more into him. I'm missing him TOO much. I guess I have a lot of things to say to him everytime I see him but...the words just can't come out. Especially when we're in school. My heart falls each time he talks to someone else, as in..a girl. I know I'm being overreactive and stupid but I miss the fact that he doesn't walk with me to class anymore = (. Why didn't I pass during recess?!?! That's why I didn't get to see him at all. I was just too sad at that time. My exam results is something everyone would faint having...
I was waaaaay moody to even look good in front of him. I want to cherish what I have now and not take it for granted at all. I know I have not been fair to him for thinking about someone else when I'm with him... and taking him for granted, treating him like I didn't really care ( deep inside my heart). I'll really lurve him this time... awww.

Right now, I'm missing him so muchh. I'm trying to trust him XD. And I realllllyy want to see him! Or at least, talk to him now...

My class is lame. Like seriously lame! Right there in that dark corner.... feeling so isolated and alone. And I'm so tired. Tired of making decisions and cracking my brain, tired of changing things for now. I just want to go with the flow now..evrything is prefectly fine now. I'm happy =) with being with Ji Chuan now and I don't wanna change!!! Tomato will just have to wait..

Why is it so hard just to sit back and relax without being so worried and confused about everything?!?!

It feels so right to be here with you..

2006-06-12T02:08:00.000-07:00

Hello!! Eeyerr..I feel so tired. Of everything I've been thru. Now are those times when I just wish I wasn't involved in a relationship. It takes so much work, energy and integrity..really! So tiredddd..><

Some things should be taken slow...some things u are just not sure of. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. You know yourself better and you know who you feel right being with. But somehow, why is this girl lost? I like both of them actually... one more than the other, but one that I do not want to leave too = (. It all started well and it feels so right.. But I can't have two things at once. I have to let go one or the other. I've never been more confused. I just wanna continue what I've started and still be friends..with the one I lurve.

I don't wanna break up or break anyone's... heart.

What should I do?! *takes a gun and shoots her head off*. I feel like a playgirl. I have feelings for both of them but none of them knows..each thinking he's the only one. Tell me, how do u decide in situations like this? I have gone far and both have gone craziee. I'm torn....deep inside and between the two. = (

2006-06-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

It feels so weird to be in someone else's arms and knowing that you love someone else....

Okay! Quit it!! What's wrong with me?! I'm not supposed to be thinking of HIM!! This morning, I woke up feeling fine. It's like I don't even feel it being wif JC. He called yesterday night when I was about to go to bed already...haih. I still can't stop thinkin about how I got tomato hurt. I still feel so sad and guilty. And I really care about him, I just wanna see him happy and all and then...*cries*. I can picture what it'll be like in school..he'll act as if I've never existed in this world and put on this seemingly genuine smiling face everywhere he goes. And I can picture mine too ~ it'll be happy on the outside, but empty on the inside. I'll be looking over the horizon at tomato like twenty four/seven? Thinking how pathetic life can be now. Well..I put myself in this state. If things don't work out between JC and I, I'll consider serious measures to be taken. I don't know laaa..>< *so geram*. Yeaa..I like JC and the fact that he's somehow perfect in every way, I wonder whether it affected what I decided. I really admire him though XD. He's :

- really cool
- has six packs XD
- plays the guitar, has his own band =0
- a top runner
- pro in basketball
- smart..ahahahaha
- loves Disney Channel XD
- can ride a bike ~ wth!!
- really tall (im short....seriously!)
- music fanatic =D
- knows how to juggle XD

And other than that, he's also really enthusiastic and sweet =p. It's not that bad huh...lolz.

Michelle blogs again..

2006-06-04T23:19:00.000-07:00

I'm back in the game again...

2006-06-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

Hahaha..surprising? You should be =p. Because it surprised me to death too.. I should be happy now that I'm with someone new now. Someone that I really like! =). Goodbye tomato...you came too late. All the promises I made to him are all so stupid to me now. Did I do the right thing?!~ I don't have to answer to anyone right? So why do I feel so guilty haha.. after telling tomato that I'll nv go with anyone else..and saying I heart him *guiltyness slips in*, and he asked me back summore! *slaps head hard* and I told him I'll always be here???

Okie..I'll be expecting someone special at around after 9 something? XD. My boy is coming over. Pray we won't fall into any hot soup =p..

Do I fall that hard? =p

2006-06-03T04:55:00.000-07:00

Woahhh..there was this guy..haha, in Subang Parade promoting Cadbury chocolates and was kinda cute =). And he gets totally flushy and pink when I'm around..haha. He kept offering me chocolates XD and kept staring at me..haha. I also made a blunder when I was passing right in front of him and I felt he was looking at me, I didn't realize what I was doing and I ran the trolley on my aunt's toe!!! Talk about total embarassment XD. She (of course) shouted at me for being so careless in front of him!! And I was acting like a fool apologizing a thousand times ~ haha. He even told his friends about me XD. Like when I am around, I would feel the whole bunch of guys = all eyes on me. That was so intimidating. And he was smiling and staring and pointing and blushing..lolz! So sad it was over ~ haihzz.. come on! It was in the supermarket. How far can a supermarket guy go?!?! Just as far as " now I see you, now I don't ". SIGH..

Lots of stuff happened lately. It's like torn between two because..I'm so confused *faints*. Why does things have to be so complicated? I heart both of them!!! And I can't choose ~ both perfect to me...

Where is everybody anyway? It's a Saturday night and less than 10 people online!! Where'd everybody go!?!? *confused look*. =D I don't know whether I should go for camp anot.. Just today, me and my mom didn't know it was a public holiday and we went all the way to KL to do my x-ray...to find that it wasn't open!! UGH..wasting money, energy and time only!! See I not geram anot!! ~~ Woke up early for nothing ><. I'll make sure I check out the calendar before I go out next time... = (

a misconcepted day

2006-06-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

He called this morning ~ to my biggest surprise!!! And he just wanted to tell me that he changed his handphone number? This is insane ~ there has to be more than just that. Maybe there is *thinks*... hahaha..in my opinion, I think he misses me! If not, he wouldn't call numerous times yesterday and call again today. I wish I could tell him how much I miss him too. But I totally blew off that call because well..I was kinda moody at that time ~ no talking mood and I didn't know what to say anymore. There is nothing left to say actually...except to act like it's perfectly easy treating him as a friend now. Deep down, I'm wishing for so much more and am giving up on him as well. Yupyupyup...fading away..

I don't know~ it's ( I love him + I'm over him + I have never forgotten him + I miss him + I would rather not have him) kinda feeling. Get it?? All mixed up like rojak XD.

2006-05-31T17:50:00.000-07:00

Heylo..guess what?! I woke up this morning and OMG..I got a shock of my life!! Well, it's nothing really but it is a big deal to me ~ there was this mole in between my eyes >< !! And I couldn't take it out *cries*.

I've never seen it before and now it's stagnant there! This is such a disgrace..*sighs*. How oh how can I remove it?

My mom doesn't let me do anything that I want ~ well, most of the things...like jogging? How dangerous can it be?! And for camps as well as outings..lots and lots of outings actually..
And I bet my 1st handphone will be like when?...30 years old? So will getting a camera..I dunno~ maybe when I'm 40? Sighhh...Know that I shouldn't go against her. After all, all I ever got myself in is hot soup! But who can see how badly I want those things? = (.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't know..the songs have worked their effects on me again. Suddenly I keep wondering how love can just fade away like that, it's like it's fated. I mean...we were so strong and everything was going fine..and such things should happen. I'd do anything to turn back time or relive those memories. I've never loved anything more than that. Now..it's gone. Guess the pain doesn't really go away cause I'm not ready for anything else. I ask myself why. Is it because I loved him so much? Constantly reminiscing them nowadays. I miss it all so much!! Someone just sweep my feet off the ground just like before...because I can't take it anymore. Please be extraordinary..I've broken enough hearts.. ><

2006-05-31T04:15:00.000-07:00

This is officially me!! ~ yeaa,bloggie..please do love me.

Life is fairly predictable now...now that I've toned down for good?? HAHA..I don't know whether it's gonna be for good but it sure gonna take a while before I get into the game again. Right now..hmm, got some major things to do 1st that's been bugging and haunting me for a very long time now...which is?? My horrible teeth!!!! XD...it's just so stupid.

UGH..why must it cause so much problems? And complicate matters...
I don't wanna do anything wif my precious teeth at all!! *cries*

My my..my game is waiting and I can't resist it..I gotta ciao, au revoir!!

2006-05-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

Featuring the guest blogger: ME.

I won't reveal myself for now but one thing's for sure, I'm not Michelle. Nooope. lol.

Anyways, it's her new blog and I'm here to officiate it. I feel loved. =]

So, I've got nothing much to say. Just testing outtttt. =D

Peace. xoxo

ALIVE

It's over, isn't it?

I still love you =(

confessions of a dead heart XD

I love sebastian =)

ishh

Do you know?

emoooooo

yeaaah!!

=)

whoosh

byeee

emo alright

awesommee

crying..

I love you.

stupid people don't have lives

I say goodbye to all our memories. i wish I never knew you.

i hate it..everything is so sucky

when it all falls apart..

a memory...

When ordinary becomes extraordinary

My life is so busy now ughh.

We kissed. We loved. I have never felt so right before.

I just wanna belong.. in your arms forever. All of you!!

What happens when you're still in love but time rips you apart?

I love winter boy..more than my home =)

Get all the paws awaay from mua blog =p

I wanna hear your heartbeat <3

Someday, I will find my way..

You still make my heart flutter <3

I love todayy! The best day EVER <3 <3

me, myself and i <3

Soaring into the stars... feeling higher and higher in the sky <3

I may allow myself to fall in love again

Hear something inside breaking?

I'm totally in LOVE with Edward John Speleers!!!!!

Ed Speleers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3<3<3

I created a Slide Show! Check it out!

><

I know I'm usually hanging on..I used to hate to see you gone

can't do anything to make me feel better ~ only you can. It's now or never.

OMG xP

Hang on tight..you're gonna stay with me foreva!!!

I love you so much =).

This shall be the end. I can't stand not talking anymore..

awesome dinner night ~ and I would do anything to just feel better <3

I don't wanna pretend so this is the end of you and me

everything is effed up...straight from the heart <3

everything is effed up...straight from the heart <3

Feeling hungover...once again

I *heart* my boyfriend so much =D.

Mood : sucky?! Relationship blues..

I'm okay...I promise =).

Mood : feel like having funn =D

My mind is going crazy..

is there someone that I can run to? I miss all my yesterdays... so so much

Lovely =p

I told myself to never fall in love with you...but I already have.

It feels so right to be here with you..

Michelle blogs again..

I'm back in the game again...

Do I fall that hard? =p

a misconcepted day

I heart my boyfriend so much =D.